Saturday, April 14, 2012

Loving Me

A friend of mine went to a cosmetologist to get her skin tested. She was asked point blank by the doctor if she liked the way she looked in the mirror. My friend is gorgeous so this must be the standard line used by the doctor to entice insecure people to sign up for procedures - botox, fillers , face lifts and what not, but it set both of us thinking.

Back home I looked in the mirror and asked myself if I liked what I saw. Hmm - so I saw a 40+ , plumpish woman who is beginning to NOT look like a 20 or a 30 year old. There is plenty I could potentially desire. A slimmer me, no stretch marks, no lines on my face , a skin that does not make additional moisturising demands and more bounce and hair on my head!

But I looked again and narcissistic as I am, I pretty much loved what I saw in the mirror.

Ofcourse I could be slimmer - but I don’t necessarily want to die at a ‘ripe’ old age - and there is still so much food I have not tested and tried. The price for being thin is too high (starvation and gymming) and I love my food !! I can let go of LBDs, that I would not be able to sit comfortably in anyways.

My stretch marks remind me of my kids and the most important role in my life -that of a mother. I would not trade these reminders for anything.

And the lines around my eyes are those of laughter and happiness .They reflect a life led with a devil-may-care attitude, full of love and many happy moments!

I still have all my teeth and I have many many reasons to smile and show them off!

And the worry lines that are beginning to form on my forehead are out of concern for my loved ones. I don’t mind getting many more of those, if they will keep my close ones safe and happy.

If my hair falls out, I can don on fancy wigs! And change the hair colour all the time and be a merry old Aunty!

And I still have abundant energy to run for an hour on the treadmill thrice a week.

More significantly, the people important to me love me just the way I am. (Ok - sans the sharp tongue!)

The fear of growing old is very real and it bothers me too.I don’t much like the slower metabolic rate, the incessant pull of gravity or an older self staring out of the mirror.

But then I count my blessings - if I can grow old in the company of people I love dearly, doing things that bring me happiness and satisfaction and remain in fairly good health, then I don’t mind all the wrinkles and lines.

Bring them on!!

Monday, April 2, 2012

RIP

I did not know Balli well at all. He was friends with my sister’s family and I met him often enough at various dos in their family. A good looking cut serd , Balli was a fitness freak and involved in film and documentary production. He had made a documentary on Sikhism that he wanted Rano and me to see.

That moment will never come , coz Balli passed away yesterday, at less than 40 years of age. Initially, everyone thought it was an April Fool’s joke, until reality set in.

Balli’s death made me think of all the recent strife that I have had in my life...and the unnecessariness of it all.I have fought with my loved ones, hurt them , blocked them from my heart and emotions and felt great anger. Ofcourse, lots of it was tinged with righteous (or not) anger, jealousy, possessiveness and demands that I made. And towards what end?

The great thing about death is that all of us are inching /hurtling towards it. The uncertainty of the timing and the manner of our death are the only two realities that elude us. If death is the only constant in my future, then why am I so worried about the mundane stuff. Why am I planning future scenarios in my mind? Where my kids will study, what kind of work will I do, where will we finally settle down to stay, how much money will we have? When will I be thin? Why should planning for tomorrow impact all the blessings I have in my life today ?

I don’t want to think of a future without all the people I love...my parents, Praneet, my kids, my siblings and their families, my friends. Hell, I don’t want to imagine my life even without the people I don’t like very much - who would then add spice to my gossip and bitching ? I love my life and do think I am God’s special child because he has given me everything one can possibly ask for.

And I don’t want to plan too much for the future.I only want to plan holidays to destinations I definitely want to visit, the cuisines I have yet to taste and the books I still have to read and write.

All I want to do today is to tell all the people in my life that I feel blessed they are there for me - as friends, enemies, rivals....whatever! Thank you for loving me or hating me and I hope to always have you around me.