An Adulterous Generation??

Adultery, infidelity, extra-marital affairs, flings - I hear these words more often than I heard of dating and boyfriends when we were younger. There are all kinds of statistics that talk of this ‘loose’ generation and I have been trying to get my head around this to understand the concept better. Is it really true that our generation is more promiscuous and willing to look out of the marriage? There are certainly many things at play.

Monogamy - Our generation (and possibly our parents too ) are really the few that have had monogamy thrust as a legality upon us. It is a societal need - marriage is less about the husband and wife than it is about bringing up kids in a secure, happy environment and ensuring  absolutely the best for them. And this can only happen when kids have both the parents around them and are safe in the knowledge that the parents are there for them forever. This helps them seek and establish warm caring relationships in the future. 

Middle Age - Definitely hits us all big time. For women, it comes after the child bearing age and when the routine  subtly change over a period of time. There is a time when the kids don’t need you that very often. For men, that same period is when they have worked hard to climb up the professional or business ladder and the primary motive is to earn enough to provide everything for the family. And then you watch the kids become young adults - and watch yourselves become older and perceive yourselves to be less desirable. You try to hang on to your youth and re-visit every bit of what reminds you of being young or what makes you feel young - it might be a fancy car or old friends who do not see your greying hair or paunch or fat!

Monotony - All the roles we play in our lives bring with them a certain sense of familiarity and monotony. After all, how romantic can you be with the same person you have been married to for decades? And how can you keep up surprises? You know every thought and move of your partner - that is not so bad again - after all we all need the comfort of a relationship we can take for granted. But when someone walks into your life, it is refreshing and possibly tempting. 

Independent women - Professional women go through colleges and institutes and are in constant touch with boys/men all through. But does this qualify them as candidates for infidelity? I think this is the one segment that is least likely to be adulterous. Because quite frankly there is less possibility that you will like ‘romantically’ the very men you have studied or worked with. There is competitiveness, rivalry and also deep friendships , but seldom does lust or romance enter the picture. Working women are struggling too hard to keep up in their different roles. 

Friendships between opposite sexes - Can a man and a woman be only platonic friends? The sum total of my experiences tells me they can. I have many deep friendships with men but none of us view each other with anything but deep affection. There can be deep emotional bonds between friends but that is all there is to it. 

So, I come back to the question I have been grappling with. Is our generation more promiscuous than the previous ones? And I find that the answer is a persistent NO. Of course there is temptation - Men and women are traveling a lot more on work, they do socialise with or without their respective spouses and there is a whole lot of close friendships between men and women.

But our generation is also largely nuclear and the primary focus is the kids - and nobody (save a few) would do anything to jeopardise the childrens’ futures. While most of us have had arranged marriages, these were not thrust upon us - we did get to spend time with our prospective spouses and gauge them. And the issues that confront love or arranged marriages are the same - hot passionate love goes out of the window in a few years as you tackle the larger issues of creating a life together. Love in a marriage is not about passion - it is about a deep abiding understanding , respect and affection that helps you tide through tough times. It is about pooling individual resources to make a successful marriage that many people depend on - kids, parents and extended families. It is about the creation of a rock solid bond that helps tide over problems. Marriage bestows  respectability and a social standing and very few would want to mess with that. 

Despite all the drama, I think our generation is committed and monogamous. And I find that commendable. It is easy to give into temptation but the repercussions are so horrifying that people pull back in to the safety of the known and carry on. And this is not compromise. It is an awareness that there is a higher task that has been assigned to us and that it needs to be a roaring success. And that makes the generation truly spectacular! 

Loving Me

A friend of mine went to a cosmetologist to get her skin tested. She was asked point blank by the doctor if she liked the way she looked in the mirror. My friend is gorgeous so this must be the standard line used by the doctor to entice insecure people to sign up for procedures - botox, fillers , face lifts and what not, but it set both of us thinking.

Back home I looked in the mirror and asked myself if I liked what I saw. Hmm - so I saw a 40+ , plumpish woman who is beginning to NOT look like a 20 or a 30 year old. There is plenty I could potentially desire. A slimmer me, no stretch marks, no lines on my face , a skin that does not make additional moisturising demands and more bounce and hair on my head!

But I looked again and narcissistic as I am, I pretty much loved what I saw in the mirror.

Ofcourse I could be slimmer - but I don’t necessarily want to die at a ‘ripe’ old age - and there is still so much food I have not tested and tried. The price for being thin is too high (starvation and gymming) and I love my food !! I can let go of LBDs, that I would not be able to sit comfortably in anyways.

My stretch marks remind me of my kids and the most important role in my life -that of a mother. I would not trade these reminders for anything.

And the lines around my eyes are those of laughter and happiness .They reflect a life led with a devil-may-care attitude, full of love and many happy moments!

I still have all my teeth and I have many many reasons to smile and show them off!

And the worry lines that are beginning to form on my forehead are out of concern for my loved ones. I don’t mind getting many more of those, if they will keep my close ones safe and happy.

If my hair falls out, I can don on fancy wigs! And change the hair colour all the time and be a merry old Aunty!

And I still have abundant energy to run for an hour on the treadmill thrice a week.

More significantly, the people important to me love me just the way I am. (Ok - sans the sharp tongue!)

The fear of growing old is very real and it bothers me too.I don’t much like the slower metabolic rate, the incessant pull of gravity or an older self staring out of the mirror.

But then I count my blessings - if I can grow old in the company of people I love dearly, doing things that bring me happiness and satisfaction and remain in fairly good health, then I don’t mind all the wrinkles and lines.

Bring them on!!

RIP

I did not know Balli well at all. He was friends with my sister’s family and I met him often enough at various dos in their family. A good looking cut serd , Balli was a fitness freak and involved in film and documentary production. He had made a documentary on Sikhism that he wanted Rano and me to see.

That moment will never come , coz Balli passed away yesterday, at less than 40 years of age. Initially, everyone thought it was an April Fool’s joke, until reality set in.

Balli’s death made me think of all the recent strife that I have had in my life...and the unnecessariness of it all.I have fought with my loved ones, hurt them , blocked them from my heart and emotions and felt great anger. Ofcourse, lots of it was tinged with righteous (or not) anger, jealousy, possessiveness and demands that I made. And towards what end?

The great thing about death is that all of us are inching /hurtling towards it. The uncertainty of the timing and the manner of our death are the only two realities that elude us. If death is the only constant in my future, then why am I so worried about the mundane stuff. Why am I planning future scenarios in my mind? Where my kids will study, what kind of work will I do, where will we finally settle down to stay, how much money will we have? When will I be thin? Why should planning for tomorrow impact all the blessings I have in my life today ?

I don’t want to think of a future without all the people I love...my parents, Praneet, my kids, my siblings and their families, my friends. Hell, I don’t want to imagine my life even without the people I don’t like very much - who would then add spice to my gossip and bitching ? I love my life and do think I am God’s special child because he has given me everything one can possibly ask for.

And I don’t want to plan too much for the future.I only want to plan holidays to destinations I definitely want to visit, the cuisines I have yet to taste and the books I still have to read and write.

All I want to do today is to tell all the people in my life that I feel blessed they are there for me - as friends, enemies, rivals....whatever! Thank you for loving me or hating me and I hope to always have you around me.

Some Relationship Fundas

After a long struggle, I finally lost a person that I never thought I could live without. And no, this person is not Praneet and not a romantic love interest either. But simply put, this was one of the longest, deepest and most meaningful relationships in my life. It was one I thought I could take for granted and one that provided me with companionship and stability through the years.

The loss crippled me and I am still grappling with letting go completely.But I learnt some valuable lessons from this .Whether I will learn to apply them and not make the same mistakes in other close relationships remains to be seen.

Mistake one: Ownership

You need to lose a person and go through the whole gamut of emotions of insecurity, anger, bitterness and recriminations to learn a key insight - that you never, ever own anyone - especially not in close relationships - be that a friend, relative or love interest. That actually there is no such thing as a truly ‘taken for granted’ relationship that will ever survive the test. You may stay on in a relationship for a myriad of reasons, but just love or concern is not enough.

And you realise that we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. And you don’t lose anyone coz you don’t own anyone anyways.

Mistake two - Expectations

A sure shot killer in any relationship. Why did I think the person had no right to develop and nurture any other close relationships? And what gave me the right to demand that my needs be met all the time ? Or that I was the only one who could dictate the terms in this relationship?

Fears of my own redundancy made me insecure and angry and in turn made me behave badly. And who did I hurt the most? Myself - coz I scraped a little bit of my dignity and self respect with every bitter call I made, every angry conversation I had and hurt my heart a little more with every rebuff I received - until my own self preservation instinct kicked into place.

And I learnt to cut cords of expectations and make no or fewer demands.

Mistake three - Criticism

We are harshest with the people we love the most. So am I . I am downright critical of stuff that my parents, kids, husband , siblings and close friends might do. That is pretty natural I guess - We criticize people we take for granted - actually we don’t ever realise that we are putting them down, stripping them of their self esteem and making them feel small.We criticize everything - choice of clothes, friends , books, education, profession, life partners ....Most of the times it is not done with the intention of hurting them but to make them realise what could be best for them. But it is hurtful and wears the person down - till the person rebels and lashes back.

Mistake four - Constancy

Change is the only constant - we forget that pretty often. Relationships change - they must. They may go forward or backward, become better or worse, become deeper or shallower but change is essential for any relationship. Relationships cannot exist in a limbo. In a romantic relationship it starts with a need and desire to be with the person all the time, an obsessiveness to share , to want the person but settles into a taking-for-granted behaviour in a while or leads to an awareness that you are different people and need to move on. In relationships with siblings, you go through emotions of jealousy (bec you are sharing parents), strife, constant bickering that lead to (if lucky) a deep bonding. With friends as well, you learn and grow together and either become closer or move away. And all of us go through changes in our closest relationships with our kids.

That change was inevitable and that the person would not want me or move away from my life was not something I had ever thought of. So I guess when the inevitable stared me in the face , I refused to acknowledge it for the longest time. Could this have turned out different if I had understood this relationship funda earlier? I will never know.

It will take me a while longer to let go completely and move on. To reach a state of detached attachment. To feel that all is well in my world and that ‘when someone leaves, it is because someone else is about to arrive’!

So I wait as the future unfurls its plan!

Of gym ‘buddies’!

I love going to the gym. Not because there are hot bodies there, but because there will always be that one weird person who makes the workout so interesting. I typically only run on the treadmill , so between changing speeds on my workout and desperately being brave about killing myself, I occupy myself with my fellow members. The treadmills are in front of full length mirrors , so I get a good view of the whole gym and its occupants. And observing them relieves the tedium of running.

(Ofcourse I hate and envy those men and women who run on the treadmill with grace and ease while I struggle and look like a scene myself! )

Most of the gym members are regular people who come, workout and leave, but some are real specimens.

Like the guy who comes to the gym in his boxer shorts. And its not just any boxer shorts that he wears - but Playboy ones. I wish some one would tell the dude that boxer shorts and that too the Playboy variety are not gym wear.

Or the guy who huffs and pants so loudly in the gym that you would think he was on the verge of a huge orgasm. It might have been a pleasant sight, but he is as ugly as they come.

Or the hunk, whose wife is now used to his awful body odour and therefore errs in telling him to wear a deo. He stinks from a mile and on days that he is on any of the treadmills, I escape to the upper floors and am content on the elliptical.

Or the dude who is always flexing his muscles in the mirror and preening. And the peacock explores all parts of his exposed body - biceps. triceps, ab muscles, hamstrings etc etc.

And the idiot who uses every machine for exactly 5 minutes and has not lost an ounce of fat (nor gained any muscle ) in the three years since I have been watching him.

The couple that believes that those who sweat together, stay together. So there is a happy cozy scene played out as they lovingly help each other with weight training. Sickening.

And the woman who thinks that the trainer is her best friend and back slaps and giggles and talks loudly. I have no problem with over-friendliness - but your own trainer in the gym!!! That’s a bit hard to digest.

Or the young girl who wears red inner wear under her white gym clothes and the day her boyfriend and she have been passionate enough, makes sure that the world sees her love bites.

Or the woman who wears a golden garter belt and flaunts it and her haughty attitude with great aplomb.

Then there is the son of the politician/builder/ mafia who comes with his set of bodyguards who are stationed at all exit and entry points .The poor fellows look so bored and one of them also holds Baba’s protein shake and bananas.

And the ultra-marathoner who wears a snow jacket and a bag full of weights and walks on the highest incline on the treadmill with a mask on his mouth coz he is training to trek to the Mount Everest base camp this year.

Or the really fat ones, who eat an apple/banana/protein bar in the locker room , chug, huff and pant at 4 kms an hour and then eat some more coz they are so fatigued.

And ofcourse, the true eye candy are the Brazilian models who come to the gym. They are so gorgeous looking that we all feel like lesser mortals. They are super fit and work out hard. Many a member forgets his own workout to track theirs. (Actually, I forget to change my speed on the treadmill too-they are such a pleasure to behold).

I know none of these people by their names and I bet I won’t recognise them outside the gym either. Little do they know how much pleasure they bring to my boring gym workout!!

Of various loves

A cliche like Valentine’s Day set me thinking on what love is....the different ways in which it manifests itself and what each of those could potentially mean. There are relationships, diverse, close and not so close and each means something,

Here are some loves that mean the world to me:

The love for my parents - This is the one love that has seen more upheavals than any other love in my life. I loved them totally as a kid when they were my role models and idols for everything I wanted to do and everything I wanted to be. Come teen years and I almost disliked them - hated the pressures they put on me for studying, conformance to appropriate societal behaviours and the list of do’s and dont’s that would sometimes choke me. And yet, as I left my teens, I found a friend and confidant in both my parents. They are both as different as chalk and cheese, but in both I found answers to my questions and support for whatever I wanted to achieve. They may have been products of a more conservative time, but made sure that their daughters would receive the best education and be self sufficient. Today, as they get on in years, my relationship with them is changing again..I can’t handle my parents getting old - it shifts the ground beneath my feet. And yet, the joy and love they bring in my childrens’ lives is incredible and I love them all the more for it.

The love for my children - Till I did not become a parent and go through the journey (young as yet) of parenthood I did not realise the utter selflessless and selfishness of this love. I want the best for my kids and make sure I provide everything needed to make them successful and happy. But it is tinged with selfishness - that I want them to do well, have the right tools in life that will help them make wise decisions in love, career and life. Their success and happiness will , to me , demonstrate if as a parent I have been successful...and no other role in life matters.


The love for my spouse - one of the most difficult to define. How do you define love for someone you spend your life with? Anything I could say would fall short! Mine was an arranged match and I met Praneet after meeting maybe some 20-30 guys! And yet the first time I saw Praneet I knew this was the guy I wanted to spend my life with. He was everything I wanted in a life partner - super intelligent, super smart and successful and with an amazing sense of humour. When he hugged me, it was not irrational passion I felt, but a sense of coming home. Of being in the place where I wanted to be and where I was meant to be. And our years together have been like peeling off petals of a multilayered flower - each peel reveals a different aspect of my husband and his love for me. It manifests itself in his not interfering in the person I am, in accepting all my friends and my baggage, in being an amazing father to our kids, in being absolutely loving to my parents and sibling , in being the provider who has never made us lack for anything and also in his constant criticism of my work that irritates me enough to do better. what can I say to a love like that? Except to say that I want to die before he does coz he has spoilt me so rotten!

The love for my siblings- I come from a hysteria laden family....no gathering and no ceremony is ever complete without massive fights, show downs and meltdowns - and yet if you were to look at us an hour later, you would never think we were so close to killing each other.
That defines my relationship with my siblings too.. my sister - the closest pal I have and my brother, 16 years younger who fulfills his role as my brother completely. They are the ones I implicitly trust with all my secrets and fears and I know they are the only ones (apart from my parents and Praneet) who forgive me all my tantrums and bad behaviour. And Rano has given me the other loves of my life - my bro in law - who I think loves me even more than she does and her lovely boys whose ‘Maasi’ kills me!

The love for my friends - Gosh - here I am truly blessed. I have friends of both sexes who I am terribly close to and who cover every aspect of my life - the jealous friend, the mean one, the 12 o clock call one, the dirty chinese one, the tequila shot one, the perfect mom type ,the sleazy one, the avid book reader and the one who knows exactly the right thing to say. A lot of my friends are not in the same town either. Some of these friends I meet every day , every week or month and some that I have not met for years. But it matters not - coz I know we pick up the threads from where we left and understand each other perfectly. They complete me in many ways and are always, always there for me...

The young love - That was some love - the obsessive need to be with someone and to have one’s life filled with a deep desire to create a world that was exclusively ours. The happiness, the pain, the anguish stand clearly in my mind , but not the want any more. But it was cute - the times when just looking at someone made my day and a smile would throw my heart in a tizzy; fixing times to chat on the phone, engaging in elaborate subterfuges to throw parents off guard (ofcourse my Mom was always too smart and I always got caught - so it just became easier to tell her the truth!). It was good to be young, to feel that passion and love and to move on from it. And to create enough memories of it!

With each of these people , my love for them is unique and special...As Paulo Coelho says - love is always new. whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation.

GHPS Reunion

For the past three months, every time I received a friend request from someone from GHPS, I would refer to the memorabilia that had been uploaded by some good soul. I would try and look for the person in that and if I had atleast one memory, I would accept the facebook request. If not, I chose to do nothing.

The GHPS reunion, was for me , an opportunity to meet two of my closest pals I had totally lost touch with - for two decades and more.Meeting them was lovely, but the reunion turned out to be much more than that and I have come back home - richer for the experience.

Learnings

Youth is wasted on the very young! We were so stupid, OK, I was so stupid when I was in school. There was no awareness that this was the last time I would be among a huge peer group - no matter how forced! And that this peer group was so varied and diverse. After I left school, there was no effort, even desire to remain connected. In college I made new friends, pursued new interests and then moved to do my MBA and later work. While I remained connected with most of my MBA mates, my school mates did not cross my mind even once. And meeting this gang gave me a twinge of regret - at my own brashness.

People do not change - it took one conversation to remember stuff about the people I met at the re-union. And no matter what life experiences people have, the intrinsic person changes not. The naughty ones were the same after 25 years, as were the ones who merely stood and watched everyone. Even the sleazy ones had not lost their sleaze!

Memories - All said and done, after 25 years, each of us had very few memories about each other. But collectively, those memories were substantial. And I bet most of us walked away with plenty more memories than we had walked into the room with. I am beginning to realise that most of our memories are still there somewhere, needing only a nudge to awaken.

A return to innocence - Nothing beats the thrill for me of meeting people who remember me as Preeti Bakshi. 16 years of being Preeti Singh makes me very happy, but Preeti Bakshi is reminiscent of the time when I was young,super confident, carefree and terribly brash. I miss that me sometimes.

I left the reunion with a sense of gratitude. That I had been fortunate enough to be able to attend the reunion and meet with batchmates long forgotten. That as a batch we had done fairly well at our chosen professions and businesses. That most of us were healthy - even if the metabolic rates had slowed down!That most of us were alive !

And with some regret- I missed all my friends who did not make it to the reunion- their absence made the reunion a tad incomplete for me.

But I do hope that most of us will be around for the next milestone as well!