Rude Indians

A note in the papers stated that Indians are getting ruder. And that parents are to blame for it. There is some truth in the statement, and is reflective of the rapidly changing India and  behaviors that are undergoing a sea change too. Indians are in a rush to become an economic power and aspire to lifestyles of the west - but there is little civic sense , dignity of labour or genuine respect for human beings. What we have is an abundance of false pride, arrogance and superciliousness. 

New money

Most of us earn more than our parents, and the markets are flooded with things that were objects of desire for us when we were kids. Simple things like Toblerone chocolates, Barbie dolls or Hi-Street shops for clothes. We want it all. We want everything our money can buy - and for the rest, there are credit cards. So fancy cars, big homes, great clothes, great toys - we have them all. And once we have these things, we earn the right to be rude. I demand the better parking, a better table at the restaurant, better service in the airline - and if I don’t get it - well I will throw a tantrum. I will not stand in a line - I am filled with my own self-importance! 

Look around you and you will see that rude behavior is the highest in people with new money. And in their kids. I have heard school teachers complain that some parents look down on them because they must earn less!  And are therefore inferior on the social scale!! 

In this whole game of one-upmanship and assessing people based on their cars, houses and jewelry, we are missing a critical detail.  All that we have earned is through sheer hard work. We grew up in a competitive environment with a scarcity mentality and were determined to succeed. Our kids will have to work doubly hard to support these current lifestyles.  Instead, we are bringing up kids who have none of that hunger we had, and have killer attitudes and arrogance. That is not going to help them. 

Rudeness with the staff 

The class divide is the strongest in our houses and teaches our kids a thing or two about rude behavior. Most of us grew up in households where there was help , but we were compelled to make our own beds, lay down the table and help Moms with chores. New money has brought with it the independence to hire more staff at home. And none of us want to lift a finger to do stuff anymore. We are callous to our staff and tick them off at the slightest infarctions. It is OK to be rude to help of all kinds or to not treat them as equals. Most kids I see are extremely rude to their maids and drivers - whether in hitting them, making jibes at them, or in simple things like asking them to wait outside while they have fun with their friends in the room. 

And they learn similar lessons when they see our behaviors with stewards on airlines or in hotels, with banking staff, with vegetable vendors - anyone who provides us with a service. And this undoes any lessons they are taught in equality. 

New fangled ideas on parenting

Most of us grew up in strict middle class households. We were taught to greet visitors and relatives with a Namaste or Sat Sri Akal. We were not encouraged to indulge ourselves when we went out with parents. I remember my mom’s nails digging into my wrist whenever the host asked me if I wanted a Coke - and I had to (disappointedly) say no. We were seen, not heard. And got the occasional spanking too. 

So when we became parents ourselves, we decided to correct the wrongs. We decided that our kids would lead fulfilling lives and have the confidence to tell us what they wanted. They would have the authority to take their own decisions.That we would be ‘friends’ to our kids. 

 I fail to understand parents who let young  kids decide what they want to eat , who they want to play with and whether they want to go somewhere or not! Or parents who are helpless that their kids drink or smoke under peer pressure! Or parents who say their kids don’t listen to them. Or parents who smile indulgently when there kids are downright cheeky and rude -all in the name of being witty!

You give kids authority when they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to decide right from wrong - then don’t complain when they refuse to listen to you and throw tantrums. 

Really - we need not fool ourselves. We are not our children’s best friends. We are their parents.And it is our moral duty to guide them, bully them in order to help them separate the wheat from chaff. 

The class divide only gets stronger, and  there are pressures that the have-nots have too. They aspire to better lifestyles and our behavior tells them that we are privileged and more important than them. Our arrogance sets them on the edge too and therefore, at the slightest provocation, there is a flare-up - on both sides. These flare-ups then get reflected in crimes against women, older people , road rage and a host of other acts. 

All of us need to learn - to make India a better place. 

Brave Women

Pranab Mukherji calls the young gang rape victim who died , a true hero. To be brutally raped and to struggle for your life is indeed being heroic. And by that yardstick, all Indian women are heroic and brave. Heroism for Indian women is not fighting on the front to protect the country....rather it is the bravery of making it through every single day with a smile on their faces, and relief at the end of the day that they are alive and safe. The heroism is in the act of survival. 

• If a girl child manages to not get aborted or smothered on her birth, and survives, she is indeed brave.
• When a daughter loves her parents unconditionally despite being treated unequally- in terms of education, nutrition and lifestyle, as compared to her brothers, she is brave. 
• When the daughter is denied the opportunity to find her feet in the world, to work and be financially independent, and yet loves those that deprive her of her freedom, she is heroic. 
• When a girl covers herself, boards a bus to travel and assesses the threat therein, she is brave.
• When a girl is eve-teased and swallows the hurt and shame, she is heroic.
• When a daughter is molested by her family male members and shuts up, she is brave. 
• When a daughter gives up her identity and takes on the surname of her husband and submits to his and his family’s demands, she is brave.
• When a woman gets superceded at work because she is not part of the boyclub, she is heroic.
• When a woman works on despite sexual advances by her seniors she is brave. Whether she reports it or not, she is still brave. 
• When a woman is snubbed by the taxi driver, or is subject to a lewd comment by a passerby, she is brave. 

So when she is raped, brutalised and loses her life, all because she wanted to be a normal human being, a woman is truly heroic. 

Our women have always been brave. They know they are never above suspicion. They know that aspersions will be cast on their character because of the actions of men. They realise that no matter what, they need to swallow their pride and aspirations so that peace might be maintained in the family . In the very act of being sacrificing and self-effacing, Indian women are at their very bravest. 

How about educating our men and boys? And making them brave?  How about making them understand that brutal strength is not strength at all. That just because they are physically stronger than women, and can overpower them, is no indicator of heroism. How about not subjugating the woman to satisfy your ego , pride or lust? Earning money to support the family is not brave, but creating an environment where the women of your family will be safe and secure is brave. Not using sexual organs as power tools is being brave. Having the courage to stand up to someone who beats up his wife,  teases a woman or molests a woman is being brave. 

It is not about laws and legal actions. These are matters of personal choice...

Creating a world where your daughter will be more than equal to your son, is being brave. 

10 years of DAIS

As the Dhirubhai Ambani International School completes 10 years of its existence, I admire Nita Ambani for what she has created - out of sheer passion. She took on the task of creating a world class school and in ten short years has totally cracked it. 

I remember 10 years ago when we were moving to Mumbai and went school hunting. No school entertained us, and then someone recommended that we try the new Ambani School that was opening that year. I was not too keen - I thought it would be an elitist school and I did not want my kids to study in such a place. We called the School and they told us to come over - Mrs Ambani was there and  would meet us.

We were pleasantly surprised to meet Mrs Ambani. She was not dressed as she is for her photo shoots. She was in chappals, with her hair bunched up, as she chased the countless things that required her attention. She called us in for a meeting and spent a good half hour telling us her vision for the School.  (Truth be told, I only paid half the attention to her because my eyes were glued on her huge rocks!). While on our way out, a security guard got the dressing down of his life because a fire drill was on somewhere and he was still lolling around! We met the teachers and Nishna went through the admission process and we were impressed with the attention to detail on everything. 

Nita Ambani is relentless in her pursuit of excellence - and this is reflected in everything in the School. If grades are a success indicator, then the  Students get admissions  in Ivy League Colleges and year on year, the results are outstanding. 

But there are other indicators of success. An important one is the impeccable way in which children are paid attention to. The care is reflected in the bathrooms that are spanking clean, the classrooms that are bright and cheery, the learning centres that are world class,  the food that is served daily, and even the security drills that ensure the safety of the kids. The teachers  work tirelessly to deliver quality education to the kids and are always there to address an issue. The School sets best practices in all these areas. 

Perhaps the best indicator of success is the tremendous pride my kids have on being Indian. And this is driven by the School that celebrates Indian-ness in a big way. My children are proud Indians and also completely at ease with the International-ness of the whole experience. When they travel on school visits abroad, they come back with a fierce happiness that they are better at so many things than the others. 

It is easy to be dismissive and say that Nita has the backing of the Ambani power and clout. Yes, indeed she does - and she has channelised it well. The school events are impeccably organised and various luminaries from all walks of life visit the school for talks and student interactions. When Mumbai was flooded under, and kids could not make it back home, she flew in supplies to make sure that kids were safe , dry and fed. Her bodyguards helped School buses and children make it to safety. During the terrorist attack, she ensured that safety was hiked up in School and no untoward incident would take place there. When students go out on out-station trips, there is enough security to ensure safety. When a school student was fatally injured and battling for his life, Mrs Ambani stayed at the hospital with the family to support them. 

The lady has worked tirelessly to create a team that delivers world class education and a happy safe environment for her students. And she need not have done any of that. Most wealthy socialite wives adopt charities and make Page 3 appearances. It is easy to undermine or be dismissive, but this lady went out there and created something that has set standards for excellence.

And perhaps nothing brings home her success more than the presence of Mukesh Ambani at the Annual Days. He attends all of them and is unassuming and undemanding. And  the pride on his face when he views what his wife has achieved is priceless! 

License to Rape

So another girl gets raped in our capital city and is dumped to die. And there is outrage in media on the gross crime and what will be done to bring the perpetrators of the crime to justice. 

And , being a woman, and the mother of a young boy and girl, I don’t get the outrage. 

As I see it, this is something that the society encourages - in its feudalistic bullshit manner. We pamper our sons and turn a blind spot to all their shortcomings;  we treat them like demi-gods because they will be the ones that will provide for us when we are older. In many households, young boys are not encouraged to lift a finger to help and are waited on hand and foot. They get the lion’s share of the goodies instead of an equal share to the daughter. They are allowed to stay out till late at night and parents express helplessness that they do not know where their sons are. A girl-friend the son brings home, (or likes) is branded fast and chalu. Most of the times, the girl he likes will not be the one he will be allowed to marry because she is loose charactered enough to go out with the son. The daughters-in law are lucky if they get a favourite dish cooked for them, but the sons-in laws are pampered silly -even if most of them have a chip on their shoulders. 

We are the ones who teach our daughters submission and docility. We teach them to cover up when they go out. We teach them to not look available - to not be outspoken , to not have boyfriends , to have none of the experiences they must have as young girls. They must save their virginity for the husband  and if they have not, they must pretend he is the only guy.  We tutor our girls that when they are married, they must be sweet and pliable to take all the crap that the inlaws may dole to them. They can work if they are ‘allowed ‘ to, they can wear clothes if they are ‘allowed’ to, and they must make the marriage work - else they will be penniless, homeless and family-less. And because the parents are lucky to have found a guy who considers their daughter good enough for marriage, they will also give gifts and a dowry to keep them happy. 

Indian boys grow up thinking they are Little Emperors and the world is out there for ripe pickings. And mostly , this translates into getting women. Since the society does not permit a normal interaction between boys and girls, there is an obsession with the other sex. Girls are taught to suppress this , but boys are not. Most Indian boys  lack social skills (and frankly most of them are not passably hygienic or good looking). So the first recourse is to drool over porn magazines and movies. For most badly brought up boys  the only way to attract attention is by eve-teasing. And since, the rest of the society minds its business when you are harassing a girl , you naturally move to the next step of touching-feeling. If you are a group of guys, then, egged on by others, in peer pressure, you will end up raping. What better way to prove you are a man? And desirable? And have the power to make the woman submit?

So how about ensuring that we bring up our boys well? How about teaching them that not only their mummies and female relatives, but also other women are worthy of their respect? How about teaching them equality with their sisters? How about letting our daughters lead their lives with freedom? How about not being hypocritical -and letting boys and girls interact and mingle and develop a healthy respect for each other?

Till we don’t do that, we should expect rapes, harassment, dowry deaths and many more crimes against women. 

And - if this does happen to any woman you know, well - just castrate the buggers. There is no need to wait for someone else to deliver justice. 

Anger that cleanses

In the past few months, I dealt with a bitter falling out with some people I held very dear to my heart.  It came on the heels of one of the toughest personal periods in my family. And it was fraught with feelings of hurt, bitterness, sadness, betrayal and a sense of having been used. 

When I needed to cope with moving on, I did a lot of recommended stuff. I tried chanting, that is supposed to relieve anxiety. And I practiced cord cutting - to reduce emotional hurt. I tried forgiveness - to forgive those that had hurt me, accepting that it was their life journey and nothing they said was really my fault, but the sum total of their own experiences. I tried praying - to soothe my nerves. I practiced forgiveness - tried being the bigger person to let it all go away. 

But none of that really worked for me. I felt hurt and betrayed. There was a whole variety of hurts. 

Emotional hurt -how could they do this  to me when all I had ever felt was deep affection; 

Egoistical hurt - nope, that is not possible. How can they treat ME like this? 

Betrayal hurt - that  I am being gossiped about and made to look bad ,

and a Helpless hurt - my inability to let go and move on. 

I suffered and I suffered. And I began to lose faith....faith in me and in my ability to overcome so much in my life. 

Until Anger happened.  And maybe because I am Aries, I am good with Fire, and Anger. 

Anger cleansed me like nothing ever had. It overwhelmed all my senses and it destroyed.

 Anger is like fire and it burns. In its red hot avatar, it wrecks havoc on the emotional landscape and leaves destruction in its wake. And it destroys feelings of loss of self esteem, loss of self respect and loss of a cherished relationship . It burns out the emotions of guilt, self-recrimination and shame . It burns and clears up the emotional landscape , so that the process of healing might begin.

In its cold white avatar of deadly calm,  Anger allows you to express all the bottled up hurt. It allows you the courage to tell the person what you feel and how you have been taken advantage of. It brings clarity to the situation -  It helped me see the vicious lies I had been subject to. Cold fury clears the emotional baggage so there is a feeling of peace. It permits negativity to get out of the system, so there will be no disease in the body. It helps close the door. 

Yes, a lot of stuff is said in anger, but that is purifying too. Anger encouraged me to be truthful. Why should I have been the bigger person? I am not Buddha! So why should I have  suppressed my hurt and wished the other person well?

It is alright to wish the other person ill. It is alright to tell them what I think of them and the way I perceive them. It is perfectly ok to want them to experience the hurt they have put me through.To pray that the pathetic sluts will pay for their actions- that is not evil. 

I see justice and fair play in my anger. And even if it was crass and evil, to hell with it. I don’t care if it made me look unfeminine or bitchy or if it  was unflattering. I have lost nothing - rather I have burned the chain of misery. 

 So when you want to put aside hurt, betrayal and feelings of loss,  I recommend anger. Anger can serve you well .Like fire, anger annihilates, but it also sets the stage for new beginnings. And hope and happiness. 

Anger did not make me an angry , bitter or negative person. Its cathartic effects enabled me to be positive again - of renewing my faith in myself and in people around me.

 It brought the smile back in my eyes.

Right Here, Right Now

Is there life after death? I had never really thought about it until I read that Sikhism also subscribes to the theory of reincarnation. I was a bit surprised because this young religion of mine is so non-regressive. Suddenly the chatter on karmic connections, past life regressions, spirits that talk to you ,reincarnations and paying karmic debts became too loud in my head.

So when I chanced upon ‘Many Masters , Many Lives’ that many friends had recommended , I was happy to read it. And read it in one evening. 

And then had a nightmarish night. I dreamt of all those souls, floating in the universe around me, waiting till the Masters came to give them gyaan and till they found another life. It was eerie - to think of those billions of souls shifting in and out of bodies -the sound they seemed to make was like the sound of a message sent from an Iphone -zoop . And of the  hierarchy of planes that the souls could be on - much like a caste system, except that it depended on how evolved your soul is. What the Masters said is what I can happily preach too! 

I am definitely not an evolved soul and my disbelief in reincarnation and life after death is strong as ever. 

Belief in re-incarnation seems like an emotional crutch - I may not have got what I desire in this life - maybe a job ,a guy , a house or diamonds  - so it soothes me to think that in another life time I may have had them, or will have them. To think there is a karmic connection with people in my life is to try and establish bonds that don’t exist. If I think there is another life in which I am going to realise my potential, then am I not wasting what I have right now?

There is no such thing as a Karmic debt from another life. I believe strongly in Karma, but Karma is fairly instant for me - I am punished (or rewarded) instantly. If I pay for my actions in this very life, why would I be carrying other baggage? And like me, other people also pay for their actions in this lifetime - sometimes it is visible, sometimes it is not - but they do. So that ‘Karmo ka Phal’ is right here, right now. 

There is no justification for relationships I have in this present life - happy or rocky, they are part of my now.  I may connect with some people deeply, but that is because humans tend to do that - bond selectively with some people. 

When I lose a beloved one to death, it hurts me and leaves a vacuum in my life. But the person stays on with me, in my thoughts , in what I learnt and in the legacy I might carry forward. If I can feel them after death, it is because they stay in my heart. That’s it. 

What I do believe in very strongly is destiny. You might plan stuff, but life turns out pretty different. When I was young, I thought I would be this super cracko corporate head honcho, and everything in my life was geared for that. But life turned out differently for me - and for the better! I am doing things I love and would not trade those for any corporate job ever . I was destined to marry Praneet , even though it took two years and heartache before I met him.

I also believe in the power of thought. What you send out into the Universe comes back to you. So if you believe that you are good and good stuff will come your way, it truly will. If you think negative, you attract negativity. What you visualise - you receive!

Sometimes though I do wish, I would not be so hard on myself. I wish I could believe in reincarnation and karmic connections and karmic debts. That would ease the pressure on me and make me surrender to a higher power. And not make me feel so responsible for my actions all the time. 

But for me  - Life is Now. This is the life I have -  to share with people I love, to do things I want to do. Everyone in my life is meant to be there, no matter for how long and I am grateful for that. I have earned all I deserve . And I bear the fruit of my actions - fortunately there has been more sweetness than bitterness. I approach life with a passion- whether in loving, eating, talking, running, reading or writing - there is no other way I know. And the happiness, sadness, bitterness, love - everything I feel is related to events in my life - right now!

And if there is indeed reincarnation - then I am at my best life yet!! 

Sex 'Awareness'

‘Is it true that Siddharth Malhotra is Karan Johar’s lover’, asked my 10 year old nephew. 

I kept a straight face and said,‘That’s what I have heard too.’ 

‘But Maasi, who is the woman in the relationship?’ , he continued. 

And my mind went Hmmmmm. That the 10 year old is aware of gays was not news to me, but that he knew there were male-female roles in these relationships was something I found hard to process at that moment!

Listen into any conversation that Moms with kids in the age-group of 9-14 have with each other, and sex figures predominantly in it. What is it that our kids know? What should they be aware of? What is the school teaching them? Where are they picking up information from? And is so much information really required for them?

This much is true - at young ages they are more aware of many things we had never heard of. I first heard the F word when I was in the 7th grade and also became aware of gays and lesbians when I went to boarding school at that age. I was mortified because I thought I might be pregnant - I had heard that if any part of a boy/man’s body (except your dad or brother ) touches you, it invited pregnancy. I had held and cuddled my infant cousin and spent that month in stress - till I mustered up the courage to tell my mother. (I don’t know how she did not crack up with laughter at the time)!

There were no sex education classes in school .The biology chapter on Reproduction had the teacher staring blankly into another world as she droned on - and the class tittered and giggled in embarrassment! Mensuration in Maths also became an X- rated word because of menstruation in Biology.

So yes, our kids are more ‘aware’. Schools have sex awareness classes and many children also go for such classes with counsellors out of school. There is tons of information available on the internet, even if you have Net Nanny and such installed. Bollywood is more blatant about sex and most U rated movies have lewd, suggestive jokes. Kids also pick up information from the seniors they interact with , from older cousins and from the peer group. Young Adult literature is full of teen sex. 

Should they know all these things?

 Why not? As parents, we are always stressed about pedophiles and people waiting to get their hands on our young ones. These people can be found anywhere - in relatives within families, in household staff, among friends, in tuition teachers, coaches, guards and police officers...any where. So it is good for kids to be spoken to, and for them to be aware of good touch-bad touch and intuition when things don’t seem right. 

And who should give them information? 

Personally, I believe parents are the most capable ones to deliver this gyaan to their children. It requires that we swallow our inhibition and talk freely to them coz frankly we have lots more opportunity to ‘talk’. At their bed-time, on the dinner table, after a movie, during a holiday...

I spend loads of time with kids of different ages and quite frankly, our children are not any better off than we were. Their knowledge is incomplete.

They need information - and they will look for it elsewhere if we don’t help them with it. Their stressors are the same - like us (at that age) they are also grappling with peer pressure,  are dealing with their changing bodies and emotions, are confused with hormonal activity and are terribly insecure about anything going wrong. 

Ofcourse I don’t shut up and speak to my kids constantly about the birds and the bees. And yet, I am not sure if I am being able to help them. All I know is that I want them to make the right choices as they are growing up, to be aware of the consequences of their actions and to never do stuff they will regret for the rest of their lives.

And this is fun for me too...I am constantly amused by stuff kids are aware of and their new fangled lingo.I am learning new words that I choke on... dry humping and lip virginity ...and I wonder what new question tomorrow will bring!