What's in a name?

‘Are you Preeti Bakshi?’ , asked the caller when I picked up my mobile phone. And I hung up the call feeling terribly happy! 

Preeti Bakshi does it for me. It brings a smile to my face and evokes a different era. It makes me nostalgic.

I love being Preeti Singh and can’t imagine any other surname that would have sounded as sweet to me. I was in awe of my professor Preeti Singh in college - she was super smart, witty and intelligent. And I was thrilled when I became PS. 

Preeti Singh defines who I am today,including being a wife and a mother . I am an older person, more aware of my social environment and more empathetic to people .  A multi-tasker who attempts to cram in all she can to make the most of the 24 hours- all this when I have time left over from kids‘ schedules.It reflects my social standing and my inextricable ties to people that depend on me.  I am more ambitious today - and I dream big for my kids and my husband. I no longer see life in black and white, but view it as many shades of grey. I am more forgiving and even if situations gall me, I have learnt to shut up and say nothing. I have learnt patience and tolerance. I am more aware of my limitations and have a fair sense of what I can do and what I can achieve. 

Ofcourse, being Preeti Singh has many other benefits too...I can get drunk, and I know that Praneet will get me home safe. I have a huge bunch of friends from  various stages of my life. I continue to have many male friends and they are not my ‘boy friends’ - their wives have a separate equation with me and I have double the friends!   I can take a sabbatical from work and enjoy life and work at my pace!

But Preeti Bakshi speaks to me of simpler times. When my time and my decisions depended only on me. When I was not responsible for most relationships and my parents looked out for me incase I was in trouble. The biggest decisions I might have taken in a day were the clothes I had to wear. And the biggest stress would have been my Quanti grades. I did not have to plan my finances, I did not have to plan a holiday, I did not have to plan the day to entertain anyone. I was not answerable to anyone except my parents, who were liberal and strict in equal measure. So while I was not allowed to go for dates, sleepovers or parties, it was perfectly ok if I had a crush and wanted to share that with my parents. I think that was the only time I was ME..and had to make no excuses for it! And I was loved unconditionally for just being me. 

But perhaps, the transition from Preeti Bakshi to Preeti Singh is the normal transition all of us make from our younger days to older ones. And while we are comfortable and secure in our present and would not have it any other way, there will always be a yearning and nostalgia for times gone by. 

Counting my Blessings

Come Friday and every week, I feel a little smaller and humbler. And a little ashamed at my own ‘perceived ‘ problems and stresses. It is the day I go to the Tata Memorial Hospital and see suffering, pain, anxiety , hope, courage and the will to live despite all odds. 

So I think I have aches and pains?  I am confronted with those who go through chemotherapy and feel weak beyond belief and still find the strength to smile and walk to the nearest bus stop or train station. They are the ones who never break a queue and will gladly give up their seat when they see someone suffering more than them. 

So I think I am losing my hair? I see women losing their hair and wearing their baldness as the badge of a survivor . And see them don fancy head scarves and looking more beautiful than any woman with thick lush hair could ever look.

I think I am fat? I see people too skinny or overweight as they fight the cancer and its debilitating treatment. Weight is the last thing on their minds. 

I think I want more money and another holiday perhaps? There are those who borrow heavily from the bank and their friends in order to fight the cancer. Bearing the intense heat of chemotherapy, they lay on the floor or in the general ward , with an indifferent fan circulating the air. Many cannot afford the really expensive life saving injections or medicines and their treatment takes longer. 

I think I deserve better service coz i am educated or have pots of money? It does not matter - because the disease hits everyone equally and nothing reduces the suffering. 

I see stressed families doing all they can to help their loved ones fight the disease. How they put life on hold to ensure that their loved one is healthy once more. I see compassion in the eyes of doctors and attendants who empathise with what their patients are going through. 

And I feel so so small. What in life do I have to crib about? I have a great family, loving husband, gorgeous kids and a close bunch of friends I can rely on for anything. I have not lacked for much in this life. I am healthy. And my own issues seem so small ...and I feel so pathetic.

There is so much I learn from these weekly visits - about learning to love life as it comes, about being grateful for everything each day brings, of not planning too much for the future, about smiling through any problem and being positive about everything in life. 

Above all , I learn gratitude...and count all my blessings. 

Where THe Truth Lies

In politics, as in life, there are no true friends and no true enemies. And things can change in a second and while you might be King one day, you can be reduced to pauper (and lesser) the very next day. 

I have very less respect for politicians, even lesser for the second and third generation ones who live off the legacy of their fathers, grandfathers and grandmothers. Atleast the first time politician has walked the talk!

And here I have an axe to grind with my best friend’s dad PM Mohapatra. Till last week, Uncle was the ‘mentor’ of the Orissa CM , the socialite,scotch drinking Naveen Pattnaik and today, Uncle is holding out his own in Bhubaneswar - with his house surrounded by goondas and his life under threat from the local ruling BJD. His supposed ‘crime’? That he was organising a coup against Naveen Pattnaik. 

Uncle has been compared to Chanakya and for those of us who remember their history - Chanakya was the mentor to Chandragupta Maurya and helped him create the great Mauryan empire. 

When Chandragupta left the throne in favour of his son Bindusara, Chanakya stayed on in his capacity as the administrator. Bindusara also had a minister named Subandhu who did not like Chanakya or the power he wielded over the Mauryan Kings. 

Subandhu told Bindusara that Chanakya was responsible for murdering the Queen Mother.  Bindusara asked his nurses and they confirmed the story. Bindusara thought Chanakya was a traitor and was furious with him. Chanakya gave up everything and In the meantime, Bindusara came to know the true facts of his birth (and his mother’s death). 

The true fact was that the Queen Mother had been poisoned because Chanakya fed a little poison to Chandragupta at every meal to make him immune to it and the pregnant wife partook of his food. When Chanakya realised this, he helped save Bindusara. 

I would also compare Uncle to Chanakya. Because Uncle truly loves his State and has worked tirelessly to improve the quality of politics and lives of many people there. He mentored Naveen Pattnaik and never once seeked to be at the helm of things.  He preferred to advise and guide, rather than lead on his own. I know for a fact that neither Uncle nor any of his kids ever took advantage of his position - infact each of them has had to work doubly hard to prove his/her worth. Nobody in the family has garnered undue wealth or land and they live like the middle class family they are. 

But I also know this - Uncle loves Orissa, but he loves his grand-kids even more. Over the years, Uncle has felt the burden of the task because he wanted to spend more time with his grand-kids. The high points in his life are Anaya’s innocent babble and her birthday party. He loves to indulge his grand kids. 

So why would he ever stage a coup? It is a lie , but Uncle possibly deserves to be in this position today. And why not???

After all, why did he agree to mentor the idiot? And sacrifice days and nights for the fool who does not even know his state well? Uncle should have realised that a fool will seek sycophants who will always tell him how good he is, how intelligent he is and how capable he is. And there will also be other smart ones around him who will play up on his insecurities and murmur softly in his ears how his mentor wants to overthrow him.  So the joker who was holidaying in London, while Uncle was holding fort in Bhubaneswar flapped his wings and decided to suspend Uncle. 

I for one am extremely happy Naveen Pattnaik did this. Because there is hope....hope that BJD is paving the way for another party, because they have had a good run for decades and it is time for change. (It is time for change all over India ). Because Naveen Pattnaik truly has to grow up and realise what he has lost. 

And most of all, coz Uncle needs to take care of his health and spend time with his grand-kids. He has done a fabulous job and can take a well deserved bow for that. 

And politics is really not meant for good clean people. Let the politicians ruin the country!

Arranged to Marry

An arranged marriage - rather when you are ‘arranged’ to meet and decide to get married can be a whole load of fun and a pain in the ass too. 

From December of 1994 to June 4th 1995, when I finally set my eyes and heart on Praneet , I met some 40 prospective grooms... and I joke not.And it was not only my family, but my extended family, friends of my parents and uncles and aunts, the neighbours and my bosses at Ranbaxy who were all involved in the drama of finding a suitable match for Preeti Bakshi. 

 The learnings that stand upmost in my mind are 

1. Most hatte-katte serds have weird ‘pet’ names - So I have met a Happy, Sukhi, Lucky, Lovely, Babloo, Pappu , Sonu, Monu and u name it. ( Made me swear that my son  would have no such lovey name!) 

1. All matrimonial columns in India are lies. If you believe them, ALL Indian men should be handsome and good looking and earn 5-6 figure salaries. I am sure they are good looking - to their parents’ eyes, coz I sure as hell found them very unappetising. 

1. And even if the boy girl ratio in India is skewed in favour of boys, there are really very few eligible men out there. 

1. No matter how well educated I was, and how great a job I had, the key selling points were  that I was a good cook and home maker, was very fond of kids,  could read the Gurbani, had excellent family values and that it was upto the largesse of my prospective in-laws to let me work or not!! Ofcourse it helped that I was fairly OK looking and slim - but the same yardstick did not apply to the guy.

Oh! how these things used to gall me and every weekend would bring in a huge fight with my parents. On how they had to first meet the parents and the guy and only if he was suitable was I going to see him; On how I was not going to walk in with a tray of refreshments ; On how I was not going to go out on a walk with the guy if I rolled my eyes that I did not like him!!

I have had boys walk into my office to check me out - one was particularly dumb and on his way down in the elevator spoke excitedly about the impending honeymoon. Ofcourse, he had no idea that my Super Boss was in the lift , who promptly called me to his office and in his refined Bengali manner told me that this gentleman was unsuitable. 

Then there was an IRS officer, whose family refused to budge from the house till some commitment was made - I finally had to call my friends to come and take me out on an imaginary lunch!

Or the oily looking, dressed-in-all-white fellow, who hankered my Dad in his office to get me married to him. 

Looking back it sounds like so much fun, but week after week of meeting unappetizing men was very wearying. The thought of marrying any of these jokers was so horrifying that I was ready to join the order of the nuns! And it was equally tough on my parents, but I admire their tenacity and their instinct on who the right guy for me would be!

The day I was to meet Praneet, I cut my hair and caused immense heartburn to my parents. They had met Praneet’s parents and were very keen on this alliance. When they took off on me, I threatened that I would wear my glasses and jeans to meet the guy!! Pobre citas, they must have wanted to throttle me, but instead molly coddled me to dress up and so on! 

But Praneet was destined to be mine. Coz when I walked into the room and saw him, I knew he was what I wanted! 

And ofcourse, he claims his soft heart melted at my plight coz I was already 26 and I fell at his feet and begged him to marry me!! 

Ki farak painda hai!! 

An Adulterous Generation??

Adultery, infidelity, extra-marital affairs, flings - I hear these words more often than I heard of dating and boyfriends when we were younger. There are all kinds of statistics that talk of this ‘loose’ generation and I have been trying to get my head around this to understand the concept better. Is it really true that our generation is more promiscuous and willing to look out of the marriage? There are certainly many things at play.

Monogamy - Our generation (and possibly our parents too ) are really the few that have had monogamy thrust as a legality upon us. It is a societal need - marriage is less about the husband and wife than it is about bringing up kids in a secure, happy environment and ensuring  absolutely the best for them. And this can only happen when kids have both the parents around them and are safe in the knowledge that the parents are there for them forever. This helps them seek and establish warm caring relationships in the future. 

Middle Age - Definitely hits us all big time. For women, it comes after the child bearing age and when the routine  subtly change over a period of time. There is a time when the kids don’t need you that very often. For men, that same period is when they have worked hard to climb up the professional or business ladder and the primary motive is to earn enough to provide everything for the family. And then you watch the kids become young adults - and watch yourselves become older and perceive yourselves to be less desirable. You try to hang on to your youth and re-visit every bit of what reminds you of being young or what makes you feel young - it might be a fancy car or old friends who do not see your greying hair or paunch or fat!

Monotony - All the roles we play in our lives bring with them a certain sense of familiarity and monotony. After all, how romantic can you be with the same person you have been married to for decades? And how can you keep up surprises? You know every thought and move of your partner - that is not so bad again - after all we all need the comfort of a relationship we can take for granted. But when someone walks into your life, it is refreshing and possibly tempting. 

Independent women - Professional women go through colleges and institutes and are in constant touch with boys/men all through. But does this qualify them as candidates for infidelity? I think this is the one segment that is least likely to be adulterous. Because quite frankly there is less possibility that you will like ‘romantically’ the very men you have studied or worked with. There is competitiveness, rivalry and also deep friendships , but seldom does lust or romance enter the picture. Working women are struggling too hard to keep up in their different roles. 

Friendships between opposite sexes - Can a man and a woman be only platonic friends? The sum total of my experiences tells me they can. I have many deep friendships with men but none of us view each other with anything but deep affection. There can be deep emotional bonds between friends but that is all there is to it. 

So, I come back to the question I have been grappling with. Is our generation more promiscuous than the previous ones? And I find that the answer is a persistent NO. Of course there is temptation - Men and women are traveling a lot more on work, they do socialise with or without their respective spouses and there is a whole lot of close friendships between men and women.

But our generation is also largely nuclear and the primary focus is the kids - and nobody (save a few) would do anything to jeopardise the childrens’ futures. While most of us have had arranged marriages, these were not thrust upon us - we did get to spend time with our prospective spouses and gauge them. And the issues that confront love or arranged marriages are the same - hot passionate love goes out of the window in a few years as you tackle the larger issues of creating a life together. Love in a marriage is not about passion - it is about a deep abiding understanding , respect and affection that helps you tide through tough times. It is about pooling individual resources to make a successful marriage that many people depend on - kids, parents and extended families. It is about the creation of a rock solid bond that helps tide over problems. Marriage bestows  respectability and a social standing and very few would want to mess with that. 

Despite all the drama, I think our generation is committed and monogamous. And I find that commendable. It is easy to give into temptation but the repercussions are so horrifying that people pull back in to the safety of the known and carry on. And this is not compromise. It is an awareness that there is a higher task that has been assigned to us and that it needs to be a roaring success. And that makes the generation truly spectacular! 

Loving Me

A friend of mine went to a cosmetologist to get her skin tested. She was asked point blank by the doctor if she liked the way she looked in the mirror. My friend is gorgeous so this must be the standard line used by the doctor to entice insecure people to sign up for procedures - botox, fillers , face lifts and what not, but it set both of us thinking.

Back home I looked in the mirror and asked myself if I liked what I saw. Hmm - so I saw a 40+ , plumpish woman who is beginning to NOT look like a 20 or a 30 year old. There is plenty I could potentially desire. A slimmer me, no stretch marks, no lines on my face , a skin that does not make additional moisturising demands and more bounce and hair on my head!

But I looked again and narcissistic as I am, I pretty much loved what I saw in the mirror.

Ofcourse I could be slimmer - but I don’t necessarily want to die at a ‘ripe’ old age - and there is still so much food I have not tested and tried. The price for being thin is too high (starvation and gymming) and I love my food !! I can let go of LBDs, that I would not be able to sit comfortably in anyways.

My stretch marks remind me of my kids and the most important role in my life -that of a mother. I would not trade these reminders for anything.

And the lines around my eyes are those of laughter and happiness .They reflect a life led with a devil-may-care attitude, full of love and many happy moments!

I still have all my teeth and I have many many reasons to smile and show them off!

And the worry lines that are beginning to form on my forehead are out of concern for my loved ones. I don’t mind getting many more of those, if they will keep my close ones safe and happy.

If my hair falls out, I can don on fancy wigs! And change the hair colour all the time and be a merry old Aunty!

And I still have abundant energy to run for an hour on the treadmill thrice a week.

More significantly, the people important to me love me just the way I am. (Ok - sans the sharp tongue!)

The fear of growing old is very real and it bothers me too.I don’t much like the slower metabolic rate, the incessant pull of gravity or an older self staring out of the mirror.

But then I count my blessings - if I can grow old in the company of people I love dearly, doing things that bring me happiness and satisfaction and remain in fairly good health, then I don’t mind all the wrinkles and lines.

Bring them on!!

RIP

I did not know Balli well at all. He was friends with my sister’s family and I met him often enough at various dos in their family. A good looking cut serd , Balli was a fitness freak and involved in film and documentary production. He had made a documentary on Sikhism that he wanted Rano and me to see.

That moment will never come , coz Balli passed away yesterday, at less than 40 years of age. Initially, everyone thought it was an April Fool’s joke, until reality set in.

Balli’s death made me think of all the recent strife that I have had in my life...and the unnecessariness of it all.I have fought with my loved ones, hurt them , blocked them from my heart and emotions and felt great anger. Ofcourse, lots of it was tinged with righteous (or not) anger, jealousy, possessiveness and demands that I made. And towards what end?

The great thing about death is that all of us are inching /hurtling towards it. The uncertainty of the timing and the manner of our death are the only two realities that elude us. If death is the only constant in my future, then why am I so worried about the mundane stuff. Why am I planning future scenarios in my mind? Where my kids will study, what kind of work will I do, where will we finally settle down to stay, how much money will we have? When will I be thin? Why should planning for tomorrow impact all the blessings I have in my life today ?

I don’t want to think of a future without all the people I love...my parents, Praneet, my kids, my siblings and their families, my friends. Hell, I don’t want to imagine my life even without the people I don’t like very much - who would then add spice to my gossip and bitching ? I love my life and do think I am God’s special child because he has given me everything one can possibly ask for.

And I don’t want to plan too much for the future.I only want to plan holidays to destinations I definitely want to visit, the cuisines I have yet to taste and the books I still have to read and write.

All I want to do today is to tell all the people in my life that I feel blessed they are there for me - as friends, enemies, rivals....whatever! Thank you for loving me or hating me and I hope to always have you around me.