I am one worrried parent today. Surrounded as I am by committed, zealous mothers and their super achiever kids, I feel I am failing in my maternal duty towards my kids. The only classes my kids attend are the ones in school, they have gadgets of all kinds, they watch loads of TV, they play on the computer all the time, they have not been deprived of any toy/clothing/object they have ever wanted, they eat junk and drink coke when they want and go for fancy holidays all the time.
Am I the lazy one here? I don’t know what they chat about with their friends on bbm or gmail or facebook. I don’t get up in the mornings and churn out goodies for their snack boxes. When their clothes become tight I realise they need new innerwear. And why am I a softie where they are concerned? Why can’t I force my will on them and get them to be excited about ‘something’,nay ‘anything’ in life? They have not found their groove yet and seem to be in no hurry to do so. They are nonchalant about comparison to other kids. They are not the top graders at school and are not competitive to want it either!
When I hear of kids who are committed to an activity or task, I start to get a headache. When I hear of kids who get up early morning and train for a game, even on weekends, I get palpitations. The Singh family seldom gets up before 11 and laze the day through.
And to excuse my laziness, I tell myself I am in a good space. My parents did not hover like helicopters over my head all the time. I had to do my own homework. Post school I was only in unstructured play. My best lazy summer days were spent in the company of a good book, a pack of crax and a bottle of campa-cola! Praneet’s favourite play was to fight a battle with the ants on his wall with his little water gun. My parents did not know of all my secrets with my friends and did not snoop on me. I did not go for any tuitions and did not learn to play any instrument.
And we turned out just fine. We did what was required and knew the limits of the freedom that we had been given to us. Finally, the responsibility of what we did was our own and no-one was to blame.
And the lazy me is going to give her kids just that childhood and hope that good things come off it. Will Udai become a computer whizkid? Will Nishna publish her first book as a teenager? Will they turn out to be good human beings and will they do well?Will they earn good money and find good life partners?
Who knows the answers to all this? All I know is that they will do everything they are destined to do! And in the meantime, we can all be happy and safe in our hugs, kisses, laughter, little secrets and lots of love!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Five Important Men in My Life!
Think about it... Most of our lives we are defined by the men in our families. I am Bakshi’s daughter, Praneet’s wife and Udai’s mother! Apart from these three men, there are other men who help me run my life and are critical to my mental, physical and emotional health.So here are the other 5 important men in my life
1. My bro-in-law - My bum-chum - the guy who boosts my ego the most! He thinks I am a great person and praises me at the drop of a hat. He always takes my calls! He is partial to me in any conflict and supports me through thick and thin! I can flirt endlessly with him without being misunderstood!
2. My driver - He is my Man Friday. He knows my schedule, knows what quantities of veggies and fruits to pick up and the music I like in the car. He selects and gets the bouquets made for all my friends for their birthdays. (Infact, hubby darling also gets him to get a bouquet for my birthday and anniversary!)The guy knows when to strike and ask for a raise or a holiday!
3. My trainer - He is relentless in trying to match my pursuit for losing weight. He also lends an ear to the inane conversation I make just to get through the training session. He knows how not to speak the truth and tell me that I have put on weight! He juggles his schedule for me and is always available.
4. The guy pals - A diverse bunch I value deeply! The strictly platonic friends who are there to see me through any minor or major crisis. Non judgemental and fond of me, these guys give me gyan and perspective on male and female behaviour! These are people I might share a hobby with and/or the friend I can match drink for drink and trust to be driven back home safe!
5. Males in the maid’s family - In order to keep peace at home, this group needs careful handling. So a cake on the son’s birthday or an advance when the husband asks for it is to be done asap. And these are the men I turn to when there is a conflict with the maid. I can trust them to make sure that my home runs smoothly at all times!
1. My bro-in-law - My bum-chum - the guy who boosts my ego the most! He thinks I am a great person and praises me at the drop of a hat. He always takes my calls! He is partial to me in any conflict and supports me through thick and thin! I can flirt endlessly with him without being misunderstood!
2. My driver - He is my Man Friday. He knows my schedule, knows what quantities of veggies and fruits to pick up and the music I like in the car. He selects and gets the bouquets made for all my friends for their birthdays. (Infact, hubby darling also gets him to get a bouquet for my birthday and anniversary!)The guy knows when to strike and ask for a raise or a holiday!
3. My trainer - He is relentless in trying to match my pursuit for losing weight. He also lends an ear to the inane conversation I make just to get through the training session. He knows how not to speak the truth and tell me that I have put on weight! He juggles his schedule for me and is always available.
4. The guy pals - A diverse bunch I value deeply! The strictly platonic friends who are there to see me through any minor or major crisis. Non judgemental and fond of me, these guys give me gyan and perspective on male and female behaviour! These are people I might share a hobby with and/or the friend I can match drink for drink and trust to be driven back home safe!
5. Males in the maid’s family - In order to keep peace at home, this group needs careful handling. So a cake on the son’s birthday or an advance when the husband asks for it is to be done asap. And these are the men I turn to when there is a conflict with the maid. I can trust them to make sure that my home runs smoothly at all times!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tarabai Shinde's Stripurushtulna
I chanced upon this while researching history. Powerful words from Tarabai Shinde's Stripurushtulna (A comparison of women and men)
Once a woman's husband has died...
Isin't a woman's life as dear to her as yours is to you? It's as if women are meant to be made from something different from men altogether, made from dust of earth or rock or rusted iron whereas you and your lives are made from the purest gold...
you are asking me what I mean. I mean once a woman's husband has died...what's in store for her? The barber comes to shave all the curls and hair off her head, just to cool your eyes. ..She is shut out from going to weddings, receptions and other auspicious occasions that married women go to.
And why all the restrictions? Because her husband has died. She is unlucky:ill fate is written on her forehead. Her face is not to be seen, it's a bad omen
Once a woman's husband has died...
Isin't a woman's life as dear to her as yours is to you? It's as if women are meant to be made from something different from men altogether, made from dust of earth or rock or rusted iron whereas you and your lives are made from the purest gold...
you are asking me what I mean. I mean once a woman's husband has died...what's in store for her? The barber comes to shave all the curls and hair off her head, just to cool your eyes. ..She is shut out from going to weddings, receptions and other auspicious occasions that married women go to.
And why all the restrictions? Because her husband has died. She is unlucky:ill fate is written on her forehead. Her face is not to be seen, it's a bad omen
Monday, March 14, 2011
Measure for Success
I was super ambitious when I was in school; fuelled by doing well in studies, sports and extra-curriculars and feted and peted by my principals and teachers, I believed I could conquer the world. My parents were focussed on giving me an education that would help me build a great career -and I dreamt of money, heading a business and taking my natural place in the Corporate order.I loved my first job and had a great time travelling across the country, even to places like Asansol, Patna and Dhanbad.
Then marriage and kids happened. And suddenly, much as I wanted to be a career woman, I could not bear to leave Nishna behind. Her little fingers tugged at my heart and I wanted to be with her. My mom kept nagging me to go back to work, but I could not. Praneet was on a roll and to be together meant that I had to give up work.
Those were good years, of sorts. I traveled the world, had another kid, but through it all, I itched to get back to work.
Going back to work after many years was a pleasure - getting up in the morning, getting ready, meeting people with whom you could share a coffee and gossip - and do interesting work.
It was not easy. My batchmates had moved way ahead of me and were heading divisions and/or companies, while I was no where near any of that. The years I had spent was an entreprenuer and the experiences I had gained because of that did not really count for anything. And ofcourse, I must be getting paid lesser than the MBA fresher.
All this does not really do good things for one’s ego.
My Mother always tells me to measure what I have gained against what my losses might be. I was lucky that I did not need to work for money, got to spend time with my kids and it is rewarding to see them grow into secure, confident, intelligent young adults.
It has not been pleasant to not have my own personal wealth (though truth be told, that did not stop me from spending Praneet’s money!).It makes me feel happy to see my friends so successful but it hurts coz I know I was as good, if not better.
After years I have eventually come back to what I love most - books. In my new freelancer capacity I write, read, edit and recommend good manuscripts. I get to curate the Kalaghoda festival and have made many friendships and business relationships because of that.
And today, I am at the crossroad of yet another decision - to stay at home for this year and write and nurture myself; or to join a fabulous company that is doing pathbreaking work in education.
The dilemma is intense, because for once I don’t think I have the energy to manage so much anymore. It is bothering me that I am possibly letting go of the best corporate job that has come my way.
But something a friend told me yesterday rings true for once. That this is possibly the only time I have, to create something that will impact kids’ lives. That I should measure my success against that, not against the amount of money I earn. That my success will be eventually reflected in the lives that my children carve out for themselves.
In the final analysis, I don’t know if I will win or lose!
Then marriage and kids happened. And suddenly, much as I wanted to be a career woman, I could not bear to leave Nishna behind. Her little fingers tugged at my heart and I wanted to be with her. My mom kept nagging me to go back to work, but I could not. Praneet was on a roll and to be together meant that I had to give up work.
Those were good years, of sorts. I traveled the world, had another kid, but through it all, I itched to get back to work.
Going back to work after many years was a pleasure - getting up in the morning, getting ready, meeting people with whom you could share a coffee and gossip - and do interesting work.
It was not easy. My batchmates had moved way ahead of me and were heading divisions and/or companies, while I was no where near any of that. The years I had spent was an entreprenuer and the experiences I had gained because of that did not really count for anything. And ofcourse, I must be getting paid lesser than the MBA fresher.
All this does not really do good things for one’s ego.
My Mother always tells me to measure what I have gained against what my losses might be. I was lucky that I did not need to work for money, got to spend time with my kids and it is rewarding to see them grow into secure, confident, intelligent young adults.
It has not been pleasant to not have my own personal wealth (though truth be told, that did not stop me from spending Praneet’s money!).It makes me feel happy to see my friends so successful but it hurts coz I know I was as good, if not better.
After years I have eventually come back to what I love most - books. In my new freelancer capacity I write, read, edit and recommend good manuscripts. I get to curate the Kalaghoda festival and have made many friendships and business relationships because of that.
And today, I am at the crossroad of yet another decision - to stay at home for this year and write and nurture myself; or to join a fabulous company that is doing pathbreaking work in education.
The dilemma is intense, because for once I don’t think I have the energy to manage so much anymore. It is bothering me that I am possibly letting go of the best corporate job that has come my way.
But something a friend told me yesterday rings true for once. That this is possibly the only time I have, to create something that will impact kids’ lives. That I should measure my success against that, not against the amount of money I earn. That my success will be eventually reflected in the lives that my children carve out for themselves.
In the final analysis, I don’t know if I will win or lose!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Being a Mother
My ex-boss used to say that every woman who becomes a mother becomes a gyaani. She thinks she knows it all. Ofcourse, he was a single Panju ladla son of his mother, so he could not have known any better.
The fact is, nothing prepares us for motherhood. Even though, from the very beginning we are told that women are natural mothers, the reality, atleast for me was quite different.
Motherhood came with discomfort for me. I did not feel any particular pleasure when I conceived and carried Nishna in me. The overwhelming thought was that I was losing my figure and getting stretch marks. And when I held Nishna in my arms, I did not fall in love with her. I was merely amazed that I had been carrying her in me.
Falling in love with her happened a little later, but I lost my sleep. I would wake up at night and constantly check on her - putting my fingers under her nose to feel her breath or my palms on her stomach to check the gentle breathing in and out.
I lost my sleep and gained anxiety and fear. What if something went wrong? What if someone took her away? What if I lost her?
Her growing up has not lessened my anxiety, if anything I am more worried today. At 13, Nishna is discovering her self as a young woman; friends are an integral part of her life and she is learning to tell me partial truths.
And I worry and worry and worry. What if she goes astray? What if she gets into trouble and hides it from me? How will I handle her gentle heart being broken - by friends, boyfriends, school results and so forth? What if she is stalked and troubled?
Oh!the list is endless and I realise that I am so ill-equipped to handle this new phase of motherhood. Should I try being a friend to her? Or being a Mommy? Or look for a mid path where she will confide in me? How do I control my anxiety and the anger that spills forth because of it? What mistakes am I committing?What if my approach is not the right one?
I know she has to gain her own experiences and be richer because of them. But if there was a way, I would gather her in my arms and shield and protect her from all the hurt and trouble.
Really- I would be protecting myself because Motherhood hurts.
The fact is, nothing prepares us for motherhood. Even though, from the very beginning we are told that women are natural mothers, the reality, atleast for me was quite different.
Motherhood came with discomfort for me. I did not feel any particular pleasure when I conceived and carried Nishna in me. The overwhelming thought was that I was losing my figure and getting stretch marks. And when I held Nishna in my arms, I did not fall in love with her. I was merely amazed that I had been carrying her in me.
Falling in love with her happened a little later, but I lost my sleep. I would wake up at night and constantly check on her - putting my fingers under her nose to feel her breath or my palms on her stomach to check the gentle breathing in and out.
I lost my sleep and gained anxiety and fear. What if something went wrong? What if someone took her away? What if I lost her?
Her growing up has not lessened my anxiety, if anything I am more worried today. At 13, Nishna is discovering her self as a young woman; friends are an integral part of her life and she is learning to tell me partial truths.
And I worry and worry and worry. What if she goes astray? What if she gets into trouble and hides it from me? How will I handle her gentle heart being broken - by friends, boyfriends, school results and so forth? What if she is stalked and troubled?
Oh!the list is endless and I realise that I am so ill-equipped to handle this new phase of motherhood. Should I try being a friend to her? Or being a Mommy? Or look for a mid path where she will confide in me? How do I control my anxiety and the anger that spills forth because of it? What mistakes am I committing?What if my approach is not the right one?
I know she has to gain her own experiences and be richer because of them. But if there was a way, I would gather her in my arms and shield and protect her from all the hurt and trouble.
Really- I would be protecting myself because Motherhood hurts.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
RIP Uncle Pai
How come Uncle Pai was never bestowed the honour of a Padma Shri or Bharat Ratna when his achievements far surpass that of some of the fools in that list ?
Uncle Pai was the founder of Amar Chitra Katha - the comics that introduced generations of Indian kids to Indian history and mythology. One of the animators I once met had this to share - that it is so difficult to re-create Ram and Sita and other characters because all our perceptions were framed by Uncle Pai’s delineation of the same. The hour glass figured village belles with the sheer dupattas and the dusky handsome men in the stories - those are difficult images to compete with!
Uncle Pai was passionate about history and worked hard to realise his dream.He quit working with the Times of India after he saw a quiz program that deeply disturbed him...the Indian kids knew Greek mythology but had no clue who Ram’s mother was. He decided to bring Indian history in all its glory to kids. The first Amar Chitra Katha ‘Krishna’ was launched in 1969.In 1969, Anant Pai founded Rang Rekha Features, India's first comic and cartoon syndicate, which lasted till 1998. Uncle Pai also started ‘Tinkle’, a children's monthly magazine in 1981. He decided to call the magazine so, because everytime they held a meeting to decide on a name for the magazine, the phone would ‘tinkle’! Kalia the crow is based on the crow that came to his window sill at home, in Mumbai's Prabhadevi.
Anant Pai conceptualized all the ACKs, wrote the scenarios for most of them and worked closely with the artists on the development. There were times when the comics would be ready, but there was no money to print it. So he would wait till he could finance the print run. Because of budgetary constraints, the original printings of ACKs were not in full colour. The panels were printed using yellow, blue and green. The later issues were in full colour. All ACKs stuck to a 30 page format.
Uncle Pai was full of stories about how he took the ACKs to different towns and cities and the loving reception he received everywhere. The ACKs came at a time when the shift from villages to towns had resulted in the break up of the joint family system. In an urban nuclear family set-up, the ACKs filled in a void created by the absence of grandparents and other elderly folk that would tell epic tales and stories from India’s rich cultural heritage.
Though ACKs were later translated into many languages, Uncle Pai decided to introduce them in English in order to reach out to the English medium schools and kids that aspired to learn English.
Today, Amar Chitra Katha, sells about three million comic books a year, in English and more than 20 Indian languages, and has sold about 100 million copies since it inception in 1967 by Anant Pai. Many schools use strips of Amar Chitra Kathas to teach kids history.
Uncle Pai has been honoured with many awards, the latest being the the Lifetime Achievement Award this February at India’s first ever Comic Convention held in New Delhi.
Even though Uncle Pai sold the business to ACK-Media in 2007, he continued to come to office every single day. He was working on a massive project that would reflect the Glimpses of Indian Glory through the ages. He was meticulous in his research and passionate about his work till the very end.
And no National honour for this great visionary? Shame Indeed.
Uncle Pai was the founder of Amar Chitra Katha - the comics that introduced generations of Indian kids to Indian history and mythology. One of the animators I once met had this to share - that it is so difficult to re-create Ram and Sita and other characters because all our perceptions were framed by Uncle Pai’s delineation of the same. The hour glass figured village belles with the sheer dupattas and the dusky handsome men in the stories - those are difficult images to compete with!
Uncle Pai was passionate about history and worked hard to realise his dream.He quit working with the Times of India after he saw a quiz program that deeply disturbed him...the Indian kids knew Greek mythology but had no clue who Ram’s mother was. He decided to bring Indian history in all its glory to kids. The first Amar Chitra Katha ‘Krishna’ was launched in 1969.In 1969, Anant Pai founded Rang Rekha Features, India's first comic and cartoon syndicate, which lasted till 1998. Uncle Pai also started ‘Tinkle’, a children's monthly magazine in 1981. He decided to call the magazine so, because everytime they held a meeting to decide on a name for the magazine, the phone would ‘tinkle’! Kalia the crow is based on the crow that came to his window sill at home, in Mumbai's Prabhadevi.
Anant Pai conceptualized all the ACKs, wrote the scenarios for most of them and worked closely with the artists on the development. There were times when the comics would be ready, but there was no money to print it. So he would wait till he could finance the print run. Because of budgetary constraints, the original printings of ACKs were not in full colour. The panels were printed using yellow, blue and green. The later issues were in full colour. All ACKs stuck to a 30 page format.
Uncle Pai was full of stories about how he took the ACKs to different towns and cities and the loving reception he received everywhere. The ACKs came at a time when the shift from villages to towns had resulted in the break up of the joint family system. In an urban nuclear family set-up, the ACKs filled in a void created by the absence of grandparents and other elderly folk that would tell epic tales and stories from India’s rich cultural heritage.
Though ACKs were later translated into many languages, Uncle Pai decided to introduce them in English in order to reach out to the English medium schools and kids that aspired to learn English.
Today, Amar Chitra Katha, sells about three million comic books a year, in English and more than 20 Indian languages, and has sold about 100 million copies since it inception in 1967 by Anant Pai. Many schools use strips of Amar Chitra Kathas to teach kids history.
Uncle Pai has been honoured with many awards, the latest being the the Lifetime Achievement Award this February at India’s first ever Comic Convention held in New Delhi.
Even though Uncle Pai sold the business to ACK-Media in 2007, he continued to come to office every single day. He was working on a massive project that would reflect the Glimpses of Indian Glory through the ages. He was meticulous in his research and passionate about his work till the very end.
And no National honour for this great visionary? Shame Indeed.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Falling sick ain’t sooo bad
Sometimes it is good to fall sick. It forces you to take a break, re-examine your life and its priorities, makes you aware of the people and relationships that are really important. It helps sift the wheat from the chaff and gives a golden chance to re-claim your life.
That’s what happened to me. In the intial days of intense pain and trauma, I kept trying to understand why I was suffering so much. I am a strong believer in Karma. I make my mistakes, but by and large I try not to hurt people because I truly believe that my actions will hit me harder on the rebound. I could not figure out who it was that I had hurt so badly to be punished like this. Slowly I realised that the person I had hurt the most in the past year, the person I had betrayed and lied too and thrown negative energy at was ME. I had not treated myself well. I had walked out on a Company and a job I loved .And when a relationship breaks it results in loss of confidence and self esteem and that is what happened to me.Therefore I spent the better part of the year trying to prove to myself that I was excellent and that I could do it all. Looking back, I should have allowed myself sufficient time to grieve and move on. Instead, as I did better and better at work, I collected tons of negative energy in my heart.And this hit me big time!
In juggling marriage, kids and work I had drifted apart from many of my close relationships. And the illness re-connected me with all of them again .My mother flew nonstop for 24 hrs from Nigeria to reach me asap and nursed me 24/7. Praneet never left my bedside and played the roles of a father, husband, friend and even mother at various times. He was tuned in to every agony of mine and did what he could to alleviate it. My kids were angels , demanded nothing and stayed home alone when there was no one with them for 2 weeks through the day.My sister stood by me and cleaned up after me all the time.My strong unexpressive Dad was like playdoh and would cry on the phone everytime he called from Nigeria.And my brother dropped everything to come and visit me. My sister in law who was my emotional anchor and stayed with me to get the diagnosis right. What can I say, except that I am blessed.
I felt humbled by the number of people who were so concerned about me. And I can sift the wheat from the chaff now. My friends who asked after me, organised prayer meetings and flew in from Delhi to visit me .Those who made it a point to come to the hospital everyday just chat with Praneet in the hospital lobby to give him emotional support. The ex boss I had a misunderstanding with , the ex-colleague I was nasty to, all the Kalaghoda members and publishers -I did not know so many people cared about me.
I don’t believe I am a very nice person, but the love and concern made me feel special indeed. And while I could see nothing positive in those weeks of intense pain and suffering, today I believe that I had it good. It could have been worse.The wake up call was well timed and it has made me stop to smell the roses. And to love and appreciate what I have. And to thank the divine power for this beautiful life.
That’s what happened to me. In the intial days of intense pain and trauma, I kept trying to understand why I was suffering so much. I am a strong believer in Karma. I make my mistakes, but by and large I try not to hurt people because I truly believe that my actions will hit me harder on the rebound. I could not figure out who it was that I had hurt so badly to be punished like this. Slowly I realised that the person I had hurt the most in the past year, the person I had betrayed and lied too and thrown negative energy at was ME. I had not treated myself well. I had walked out on a Company and a job I loved .And when a relationship breaks it results in loss of confidence and self esteem and that is what happened to me.Therefore I spent the better part of the year trying to prove to myself that I was excellent and that I could do it all. Looking back, I should have allowed myself sufficient time to grieve and move on. Instead, as I did better and better at work, I collected tons of negative energy in my heart.And this hit me big time!
In juggling marriage, kids and work I had drifted apart from many of my close relationships. And the illness re-connected me with all of them again .My mother flew nonstop for 24 hrs from Nigeria to reach me asap and nursed me 24/7. Praneet never left my bedside and played the roles of a father, husband, friend and even mother at various times. He was tuned in to every agony of mine and did what he could to alleviate it. My kids were angels , demanded nothing and stayed home alone when there was no one with them for 2 weeks through the day.My sister stood by me and cleaned up after me all the time.My strong unexpressive Dad was like playdoh and would cry on the phone everytime he called from Nigeria.And my brother dropped everything to come and visit me. My sister in law who was my emotional anchor and stayed with me to get the diagnosis right. What can I say, except that I am blessed.
I felt humbled by the number of people who were so concerned about me. And I can sift the wheat from the chaff now. My friends who asked after me, organised prayer meetings and flew in from Delhi to visit me .Those who made it a point to come to the hospital everyday just chat with Praneet in the hospital lobby to give him emotional support. The ex boss I had a misunderstanding with , the ex-colleague I was nasty to, all the Kalaghoda members and publishers -I did not know so many people cared about me.
I don’t believe I am a very nice person, but the love and concern made me feel special indeed. And while I could see nothing positive in those weeks of intense pain and suffering, today I believe that I had it good. It could have been worse.The wake up call was well timed and it has made me stop to smell the roses. And to love and appreciate what I have. And to thank the divine power for this beautiful life.
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