Of Mills and Boon and TDHs!

I picked a Mills and Boon off the shelf today -out of curiosity to see what had become of the books that fired my imagination when I was a young girl. 

Nishna was horrified - that her mother, who reads (sort of ) good books - would read something on a bought bride, whose new man wants her mind , body and soul - all willing and pliant!!!! I think she was ready to disown me!!!

But the M& B bought back old forgotten memories...of dusty circulating libraries in the GK M Block market  that were packed with these books. Of authors like Penny Jordan, Charlotte Lamb, Anne Mather , Carole Mortimer and Emma Darcy.  Of titles like ‘The Billionaire takes a Bride’, ‘ Bought Bride’, ‘Dark Dominion’, ‘Forbidden Fire’ and ‘Cruel Legacy’. 

Of TDH -Tall Dark Handsome men, generally super rich, with set jaws, unsmiling eyes, a rough manner with the heroine and sarcasm laden sentences .These TDHs were the ones most of us fantasised about...we wanted to be swept off our feet by dishy , brooding, men of less words such as these! Thankfully the fantasies were not disturbed yet by adulthood..when the TDH was replaced by a gentle loving person who would take care of us and demonstrate his love too!!!

The stories were predictable. The book would be a max of 196 pages. The first chapter would introduce the heroine, her sorry financial predicament , her beautiful eyes and lovely mouth , but there would be something of the plain Jane in her. By the second chapter you met the TDH - a business tycoon, with an arrogant manner, without the conventional good looks but an animal aura about him. The drama would continue till chapter 9 -  the heroine would feel all flustered around the TDH, the TDH may have had another girl, usually a glam doll, the heroine would feel that all was lost to her, coz she had the hots (oops, they called it love then) for the TDH who paid her scant attention, or hated her or felt nothing for her at all. Sometimes, there would be TDH’s mother too, who hated/loved the heroine. And then, when the heroine decided to walk away from it all, in Chapter 10, the TDH would confess his love for her, sweep her into his arms, run his fingers through her lustrous hair and kiss her with all his passion ....ask her to be his....and they would be together - after all!!

This predictability made the books so appealing!!! During exam times, I would be a frequent visitor to the circulating library. I would get atleast four books everyday. And in between the breaks I took, I would curl into bed with a M&B. I did not have to pay attention to the story, I could skip pages, go off to sleep, and come to the end of the book in 45 minutes flat. The book would clean up the clutter in my mind and refresh me for another marathon session of studying!! The best palate cleanser!!!

I am not ashamed to confess that  I loved my M&Bs. They were my first introduction to the world of romance, of intense feelings described in words, of men that you could dream about, of the way my own romance could potentially play out! It was a world so removed from my reality - of school/college , books, exams and the lack of interesting boys/men that I could dream of!!

The influence of M&Bs stayed on in my subconscious...So when I had to co-write a YA romantic novel with one of India’s leading novelists, I divided my story into plot, chapters,  crisis and denouement in the manner of the M&B novels! I wanted my young readers to feel the same feelings I had when I read M&Bs!!

And one day - I intend to write my own M&B!!! With my own TDH dude! 

The April Project

A six week break for 13 year olds coming into grade 8 at DAIS,  an enthu mother who thinks up a plan to occupy them , an even more enthu drama teacher who agrees to guide them and a bunch of hard working mothers - and you had the April Project that culminated into amazing drama performances yesterday.

A disclaimer - I was not one of the enthu moms - even though one of my darling friends saved  a front row seat for me!!

What seemed madness and daunting in the initial days had a method to it. Kids divided into groups and some of them took charge of writing the scripts. Some went out getting permissions for staging the play in a theatre and came up against inane bureaucratic red tapism; a bunch designed the look and feel and translated it into merchandise including flyers, invites, tickets, cupcakes, book marks, notebooks, magnets, key chains and t-shirts. Then there were production managers, directors and the cast. The crew that comprised of backstage people, on cue assistants, lighting and sound guys!! The final performance was the hard work put in by all the children. 

And the plays themselves were quite a revelation - on what thirteen year olds think about. So there was one play on finding clues to get to the killer, one that discussed church vs science, one that portrayed the blend of medicine and superstition in treating disease in Africa, another that was coming of age for both the father and son who had divergent professional views and a clever take off  on the School itself. 

The scripts were brilliantly written - there was clarity on what needed to be revealed, excellent usage of vocabulary, engaging arguments and tightness in the story. What amazed me was the thought that went into the plays - these were not frivolous plays - there was meaning at many levels. Kids pick up nuances of behaviour and interaction that we think they are not capable of! And I know for sure that the kids took no adult help for this - that made it so awesome. 

I wonder how the kids  had thought up these things! Science vs religion? At 13, I had not even begun to think of these things - I was only happy going to the gurudwara or mandir for prasad and thought JC was cool. The arguments supporting both - the church and science-  were logical. I learnt the difference between atheism and agnosticism yesterday!!

Playing on superstition to drive medicine?  The play on Africa and treatment of diseases was interesting -how well meaning doctors and medical professionals can use superstition and local rituals to actually make people adopt medicine! 

Ofcourse, my son wrote the play on the conflict between the father and son on the career the son wants to take. The son leaves home and i

s successful, the father is distraught and eventually commits suicide. I think the hidden message there for us was that we must agree to what Udai wants, else, we will lose him and our lives!!!

The take off on the School was outstanding. And the way it played out was brilliant....it was done tongue in cheek, blatantly, but in such a manner that you could not hold them to ransom!!!! This was one play totally for the audience that comprised of parents and other school kids, and there was laughter all around. 

At the end of the show, when all the kids came to take a bow, I was really awed....these are 13 year olds who had done such a brilliant job! And while we think this generation is not hard working and spoilt, the fact is that they are intensely competitive, argumentative and know where they want to go!  They are well read and aware, and sensitive to what ails the world. They dream of making a difference to the lives of others. The Cool, It factor is not about good looks, but includes intelligence, spunk and humor!!! 

Like my friend says -if i was 13 again, I would crush on all these kids!!! 

Happy Birthday!

‘You want a big party or a big gift?,’ asked Praneet  and a small part of me said ,‘Both’.

Seriously, I don’t get people when they say they don’t like to celebrate their birthday. Excuses range from - ‘I am too old for this’, ‘It’s just another day’ , ‘I am getting old, what’s the fun in that’ to ‘It’s my kids time to celebrate their birthdays’. And the biggest cliche, ‘I have everything I could ask for , so I don’t want gifts’! 

No matter what my age, and the fact that I grow older every year, I love my birthday. I still feel the excitement that I felt as a young girl. Being woken up at 12  to a cake and flowers by the family, hugs and kisses from all of them. Phone calls , messages and emails from people who remember my birthday, meeting family and friends for dinner or a party, and of course receiving all the gifts! And yes, wearing something new. 

Weeks before my birthday at the hostel, there would be anxiety on who would accompany me on distributing candy. (That candy is ofcourse no longer available. It was Parle’s multi-coloured , hard boiled candy and my fav used to be the purple one). It used to be difficult to decide on which special friend to choose because the others would feel cut up. And you could tell who was friendly with you at that time - friends would dig into the bag and take a handful (or many handfuls) while the current foes would either turn away or take one! It was a day the teachers would smile a lot more at me and I would get out of trouble with less stress. Later, back home , it became a day when my friends and I would go to Nirula’s for pizza and chocolate milkshakes or ice-cream and a dinner with my big extended family.

Birthdays are something to be cherished. This is my only life as Preeti Bakshi Singh and I love every bit of it. If every day has to be a celebration, then this is the Bada-Din. The day I was born to touch people’s lives (for better or for worse) and to experience life in the manner I am supposed to. 

And every year, I thank the year gone by - because even the worst years brought something good and valuable to me. And when I look back, no year has been particularly horrendous even if I thought it was at that time. Last year was my apocalyptic year of sorts -my sister was diagnosed with cancer and there was turmoil all around. But the year was brilliant too - it strengthened my relationships with my family , I rediscovered my best friend in my sister, enjoyed the onset of teenage years of my kids and I wrote and wrote!! I found more friends than I lost and I found my peace. 

More importantly, my birthday is the one that makes me feel alive, happy, special ,loved , wanted and above all - blessed - that I have been given so much in my life. It helps me get a perspective on what I still want to do and what I need to do to achieve it. Above all, this is all I know - I want to live a life that is happy, healthy and fulfilling, surrounded by people who love me and who I love. 

So that when I am older, with a happy wrinkled face, I can look back on all these years with fondness and say - I LIVED! 

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Ever since I read this book by Mitch Albom, my brain was in a tizzy. I wondered who my five people would be ? 

I thought I would do this exercise for fun, but what seemed simple turned out to be a very difficult task. You might think it is easy to identify the five people you will meet in heaven, but try it....it is an uphill task. 

I made a list of people I thought should be on my list. My list comprised of  family, friends, colleagues , enemies, and random people even. And I wrote against each name what they had done to impact my life.I set myself a simple benchmark as I tackled the list- did this person do anything that changed me as a human being , or make me take decisions that have shaped  the person I am today? 

An important bewildering lesson - I realised that the people who have influenced my life the most, are not necessarily the ones who have impacted it. 

For instance-my parents. They have shaped and moulded me - and given me the tools to go out into the world and be independent and do my own thing. But have they changed my life? No. Parents shape our lives and make us what we are - there is no point in thinking what we might have been if we had another set of parents!! Or a different set of circumstances - because these are givens. 

Likewise for Praneet - my life changed when I married him - but has he changed my life? Not necessarily. Even Linda Goodman - we all grew up reading what she had to say about sun-signs and relationships - and like all young girls I also swore by her. But there was no change in my life because of that influence!! 

Ofcourse there are small changes that happen to us because of social interaction. Friends influence us and we take on some of their characteristics . We behave differently with various groups of friends. Family members also influence behaviours and we mould ourselves to make them happy. For instance, my mom-in-law likes me in suits - so I will please her by dressing up in indian attire when I meet her . But those are not life changing events. 

The names I finally ended up with on my list shocked me initially! I had not thought of some of these people in years  - but yet, when I did the exercise, the whole experience came in sharp focus for me. And I realised that they had impacted me the most in my journey till now!

I wrote letters to each one of them - telling them how my interaction with them had been life changing for me. It connected my dots for me....

Fortunately for me, my journey has been a happy one. So when my boss, whose blue eyed girl I was, refused to take me back after my child, he set the course for change for me. I was angry and determined that I would not go back to work in a chauvinistic environment. That led to my indulgence in content , writing and education and I have not looked back since. When I screwed up an assignment and made my company lose a prestigious client, I was terribly ashamed of my laxity. That has given me huge insecurity about my work.Even today, I constantly ask my self -Is this good enough? Or can I do more? What can I add to make this worth the while? So when I take on any task today, I know I push myself till I am sure that I have done the best.

While including family members in the list sounded terribly cliched, one person has impacted my life and changed it. That has to be my first born - and I have learnt to be patient and less selfish, learnt to be politically correct and to befriend the devil and tried to become a better human being so she could look upto me! 

I also realised that all the stories are interconnected. And there are many people who touch our lives - whether we are aware of them or not. All these people bring richness to the experience and help you perform the tasks you are meant to perform on earth.

I would recommend that everyone try doing this exercise. It has huge positives. This  has been the most cathartic thing I have ever done and it helped me make meaning of my mad life. 

It set into perspective all the random experiences I have had till date and how there was meaning in all of them. It  taught me how I stupidly whine and stress about inane things, and it helped me sift the wheat from the chaff. I have learnt that there are no mistakes in life and there are no experiences that are not worth having. There should be no regret - because life was meant to be such for me!

It taught me gratitude -that my life has been one full of blessings, happiness and love. 

Ofcourse, in my list of more than a hundred people, I found only four people who have impacted me enough to change my life...I still wait for the fifth one to reveal him/herself!!

Being Indian

At the Club Mahindra property in Goa over this week, we were a noisy bunch. Like any group of 60 men, women and children will be. We asked for a separate enclosure for ourselves so we would not disturb other people at meals. And we were given a separate enclosure. None of us noticed an elderly couple sitting here, until the lady walked up to us to tell us we were ill-mannered and needed to behave. 

Later in the morning, her husband, an elegant looking gentleman, walked up to three of us to have a chat. As soon as he came over, we apologised to him for the noise we had created. Very soon, the gentleman told us what he thought of us Indians. That he had traveled the world and never seen such rowdy behaviour. We told him politely that everywhere in the world, where there are large groups there will be noise and that’s the reason we were sitting in a separate enclosure. 

Ofcourse, he promptly let us know that he knew the Family and that’s why he got an upgraded suite at the hotel, and special service from the hotel staff. And that our enclosure had been ‘his‘ special enclosure for breakfast. 

So far so good.

And then the gentleman told us that he had very less faith in Indians and in their ability to take care of themselves. That we destroyed everything. That we respected nothing. That there was no hope for Indians or the country!

This - from an Indian gentleman, whose name might mean something in the Banking circles coz he had once headed the Standard Chartered Bank. 

And the three of us he had accosted said nothing to him. I looked at him, with diminished respect.

We are Indians and respect our elders -that is the reason we entertained him in the first place. None other in the world would have heard him out. He is possibly my Dad's age so I did not want to be rude to him. The other two women with me also kept quiet for the very same reason. 

He is clearly an Indian who has made it big. That’s why he pulls favours (or is Jugadu as we would say) to get the best suite in the hotel,  gets special service and is fawned upon. Where else in the world would he have gotten such impeccable service? 

I felt no anger at him - the feeling was one of sadness. 

 At 72, when you are so resentful of the country that helped you become big, of the people in that country who gave you respect, and who indulge you still - what can I say? If, after heading up an International Bank, you feel that your Indian brethren are so incapable of handling themselves and need a white man to do it - what can I say?If you continue to milk the country dry by currying favour because your social status allows you that access, and yet are critical of all other Indians -what can I say?

I did not lead his journey, so I cannot say why he hates his country men so. But I only felt terrible that someone so senior, who many Indians must have looked up to, is so uncomfortable in his skin.And I hope my journey will not be like his....that I will continue to be a proud Indian - whether I live in India or abroad. That I will continue to have faith, that despite corruption and inspite of people who abuse power for personal gains, this country will pull through.That being Indian means being resourceful, gracious, large hearted and forgiving.

Thats the reason we all chose to keep quiet- when we were all seething with anger. 

Is There A God?

As a kid, I did what I believed in God -  I prayed to Him , recited my prayers and went to the Gurudwara. When I wanted good grades, wanted to get out of trouble or wanted things badly , I prayed vigorously . I bribed, I made offerings, I promised a zillion things. I don’t really remember if God listened to me, because I don’t recollect doing any of the things I had promised. 

I know what everyone says about keeping the faith - that when things fall apart, things go wrong - then pray, believe that God is there for you. And I have tried to keep the faith. But it does not make sense to me. I mean where is He when  you need Him? When you are in trouble? When you are sick? When you desire something intensely? 

He is not there.

And we explain his absence by saying God is doing this to make you stronger. Or that He is giving you only that much suffering as you can bear. Or that He is there - his Hand is on you. Or that there are better things in store for you and He is merely testing you.Or that you are part of His bigger plan. 

Bullshit I say. 

There is no-one except for you. You make choices - you reap their benefits or repercussions. You are the one who learns to handle the problems, to handle your pain. You are the one who seeks and finds a solution. You work towards improving your life, getting your self esteem back, learn to fight your demons. You are the one who makes peace with all that bothers you. You are the one who is eventually in-charge of your Karma. 

Then why place your faith on someone who is not there? Who, in my mind, does not exist. If there is a God, and you His child, would He not try to ease your journey ? Why would He be avengeful? And frankly why would He try and make you learn ‘lessons’? 

The only entity I need to have faith in is Me. Because only I have the strength to deal with all that I go through. When I have cried, felt pain , been helpless, I have found the strength within me to become strong again.When I felt I could not go on any longer, I have turned the corner on my sheer will power.  My journey may not have been what I wanted it to be, but I made it by myself. 

There has been no God, except in my prayers when I have been most distraught. And there was no God to give me strength when I needed it most. He was not there when I needed answers and He was not there to make me better when I could have done with TLC. So for me, God does not exist. I have given up the ritual of going to the Gurudwara to offer prayers to a non-existent thing. 

The Guru Granth Sahib makes sense to me, because it contains simple tools for living. 

But God - NO. 

For me, there is no power bigger than what is within me. So I choose to Keep the Faith in Me. 

Rude Kids

‘Maji Satak Li’, ‘Panga Mat Lena’....these hoardings greet me everywhere in Mumbai these days. They are for a new reality show (is that what these are called?) to find India’s Dramabaaz kids. 

And these hoardings anger me. As if we Indians are not rude enough, we want to now also showcase how obnoxious our kids can be.I have never quite understood how parents don’t control their kids on flights, and look on indulgently as the child talks loudly, messes around, kicks the seat in front all the time. Or when kids run around restaurants, call the stewards again and again with innumerable demands or when kids push and shove for a turn at the swings. Or when parents are amused that the kid talks like an adult with all the expressions and drama! I can’t stand kids who act too big for their boots, and their parents horrify me even more. 

And much as we are mistaking our right to expression in the democracy, I think we are missing the boat on allowing kids the freedom of expression too. The right to express yourself does not mean being rude, being precocious and unmindful of people’s feelings. It does however mean letting people know how you feel, in a manner that is age-appropriate and in a language that is civil . It means being mindful of how others might receive it. And being prepared for the repercussions if someone is offended. 

I don’t think kids can process all that at an early age. They don’t have shades of grey like adults do - for them things are pretty much in  black and white. So when we indulge their rudeness in our love, they don’t understand that the same behavior can appall someone else too - and they may become outcasts or clowns in their peer group. Over time, most children learn to modify their behavior in peer groups or with superiors but it is not a happy situation. And it  does not ever leave them - rude behavior rears its head in crisis situations. 

Rude kids make rude adults. And really parents are responsible for this - not the media, not the extended family and not the peer group. 

I allow my kids to express themselves - often I am told that I am way too indulgent with them and talk about too many things with them. But I would be appalled if they were rude to me or to anyone else. That is not part of my liberalness. 

For me polite behavior is not about saying ‘Sat Sri Akal’ or touching someone’s feet (though that is nice too). But politeness is about not deliberating hurting someone, of having the courage to apologise if something inappropriate has been said or done, and about not showing off what you possess. It is also about keeping quiet in situations that will not benefit from your input. It is being nice to people who are not as privileged as you or whose needs are greater than yours. 

Good manners are not about being fake. They determine the sense of wrong and right in all human beings. They are one’s way of making the world a better place.

So if a kid ever tells me ‘Maja Satak Li’ and the parents coo with delight  -trust me, my brain will also go for a toss, and I will pinch the kid hard when the parents are not looking.