I have these grand visions of my future. That I will be a well known writer by 50, will have hugely successful children, will be surrounded by my family and friends, and will die at 70. By then I will have a decent number of wrinkles on my face, adequate fat on my already plump self , still be physically and financially independent and will have my mental faculties intact.
By that yardstick then, mid life crisis should have hit me at the mid-point of 35 years. Instead , it hit me just about the time I turned 40. And continued for a good two years. The mid-life crisis took me completely by surprise. I thought mid life crisis was a joke. When my husband turned 40, he got into fitness in a big way. This lazy man would get up in the mornings, lace up and go for a walk or run and actually joined a gym for weight training too. I used to tease him that he was trying to hang to a youth that was in a rush to leave him.
When it hit me, I realised, to my great anguish and consternation,that mid life crisis is very real. And can turn your life completely topsy turvy. The good news was - I was not alone in this misery - it hits nearly everyone - in varying measures ofcourse.
My midlife crisis began with my walking out on a job I loved. Disney was my dream company and I was doing extremely well there . I wanted to do something else - write something that added value to me, instead of creating preschooler books that are available by the dozens in the market. When I walked out my job, I walked out on a life. A life that was full of colleagues who added value to my life, friends who brightened up my work day, and a brand name that was critical to my self-esteem.
Life went downhill for me from then on. I had opened the doors to negativity because I was in such emotional turmoil. All that year, I struggled with finding my groove in terms of work ,and foolishly took up an external assignment that was a disaster. My sister and I stopped talking because I was constantly taking off on her - on her life, her choices, her relationships, her job. I connected with some old friends, having quite forgotten that there was a reason I had deleted them from my life in the past. And that they would cause misery to me again. And they did. In ways worse than they had before. I questioned my life with my husband, and blamed him for all the choices I had made in my life. I would have walked out on him. I hated my house - it seemed to choke me. I partied hard. I am not too much of a drinker, but I drank a lot in those months. I took pills to help me sleep. I hated everything about my life at that point.
I consider myself a happy person. The thing I love the most about me is my smile. And yet, for almost two years, my heart refused to smile. It was so full of resentment. Of anger , of bitterness. I am not a negative person, and depression was an unknown entity up until this point. And I wondered how I would live the next few decades in this unhappiness. There was nothing to look forward to -except to see my kids study and settle down. And then what?
I fell sick. With a multiple liver abscess. I was hospitalised for two weeks and then took another year to full recovery. It was almost as if I had so loaded myself with negativity that my body protested really hard.
My illness became the starting point for my healing. It taught me. It taught me to value things that were important to me. It helped me analyze everything with a fresh perspective - relationships, work, what I truly wanted in my life. It encouraged me to simplify my life, to let go of anything that caused negative energy for me.And it was not easy work. It was really tough infact.
Why would I have a mid-life crisis I wondered? I was busy with work and home. I had loads of friends, I led an active social life and traveled plenty .I had a loving , indulgent spouse whose company I enjoyed. I had everything one can ask for in life.
I think these were the factors -
- My 20s and 30s were spent taking care of kids and scheduling my day to meet the demands of my family. I selected times to exercise, to work , to socialize based on the schedules of my kids and husband. There were a million things to plan, organise and execute. I didn’t have breathing space. And then , as kids grew up, their demands on my time started to ease out. They did not need to be bathed, fed, their homework did not need to be supervised, they set up their playdates, and they wanted their own personal space. It opened up my time, and while that was exciting, there was a sense of my worthiness being reduced. As if I was not so wanted anymore. And when my younger one grew taller than me and I could not cuddle him anymore and fit his body into mine, my heart almost broke. I was not prepared for this.
- There was a sense that I was losing time. I was already forty and had done none of the things I really wanted to. I wanted to write a book, go off on a holiday by my own and not be financially dependent on my husband.
- I enjoyed (and still enjoy) the transition of my daughter into a young little girl. The way she dresses up, thinks, talks - I love it. And yet, there was a realisation that her youth was also paving the way for my growing older. The face that looked back in the mirror at me was not so young and fresh anymore . I could see wrinkles around my eyes. And my body refused to obey me. I was putting on weight, eating the same foods I always had. And even though I increased my exercise times and intensity, I was unable to lose weight. There was no defying gravity anymore. The physical changes horrified me.
- Life was going too smooth. So there had to be an upheaval!
I have seen the mid-life crisis manifest themselves in different ways for different people. Some quit high paying jobs to scratch an itch they have had for years. Yet others have full blown affairs with ex-flames or colleagues. Some take a long leave of absence from their families and go off on holidays on their own.Some divorce their spouses and seek a life for themselves. Others become obsessed with sex and porn. Yet others get tummy tucks and boob jobs to stem the relentless onslaught of age. Some drink more, some lose weight and yet others put on weight.
And yet, these mid-life crisis years are not a lost cause. Since they throw you out of your comfort zone, they add to one’e personal (spiritual , emotional) and professional growths. My crisis pushed me in the direction of what I wanted to do. To write. The more I hurt, the more angry I was ,the more I wrote. I wrote about things that hurt me, about things that mattered to me. I wrote to ease the pain in my heart and the anguish of my soul. And writing was cathartic for me. It flushed out the bad, making space for the positive. And I ran - I had always wanted to run the Marathon and running became therapeutic for me. I did 4 half marathons in seven months.
A friend of mine decided to make a movie, and even though she suffered from the angst of quitting a high paying job, she got her story and screenplay in order, and interned with one of the Bollywood directors to learn the ropes of the business - and is well on her way to her debut film. Yet another friend took to cooking - and has created a business of her own - creating delectable cakes and desserts. Another got a gastric bypass done to control her out-of-control weight gain and take charge of her life. A dear friend stepped out of the house after decades and got a job , that may not pay her much, but helps her maintain her sanity. Another friend trained hard and went to the Mount Everest base camp.
When the mid life crisis blew over for me, there was immense gratitude that all was well in my world. Almost all the people I know have had happy endings. Even for the friend who walked out on her 15 year old marriage . If this phase made her realise that she could not carry on in a marriage that was without soul, then I think it was good for her. She has a chance to create another life for herself - one that will bring her happiness and hopefully love and companionship.
The one thing that helped me get over this crazy phase is the incredible support I got from my girl friends. This was the bunch of women with whom I could share what I was going through and who understood exactly how I felt. There was no judgement on my behavior, but counseling to make me feel better, to help me resolve issues. My girls did all they could to help me get out of my crisis. Some took me for chanting, others for coffee late at night, some ran with me, and those who were not in Mumbai were always a whatsapp or call away. I realised that there is great sisterhood among women. We all go through similar experiences at some point in our life so there is complete empathy.
It may seem never ending but like all crises, the mid-life crisis passes over too. And when it does, we all need to do ourselves a big favor. To not live in guilt because of whatever ‘wrongs’ we might have done. We are only human, and therefore have the right to make mistakes even at 40, have a right to question and seek a better life at 40. This phase screws our mind more than anyone else’s so we must reserve the right to forgive ourselves.
I lived. My friends lived. And are in happier, more peaceful spaces today!!
