Letting it Unravel

Unravel got launched this week...not with great pomp like a JK Rowling or  Ravi Subramaniam book. But it was BIG for me. To see the result of something that had consumed my mind go live on Amazon and other sites was , to say the least, overwhelming. 

When I held the first copy of Unravel in my hand, I was a bit stunned. I couldn’t believe I had written something that was over 200 pages long. I had always loved reading and tried to fathom how people wrote so much. I never thought I had it in me.

Perhaps, grief, anger, bitterness and other negative emotions have a way of worming themselves into one’s heart. As I learnt to cope with my own crises, I developed a greater sensitivity to what was happening around me. I realized that happy , calm faces hid great pain. Loads of money or success did not necessarily mean more happiness and peace. Couples that seemed to be so well put together, were actually putting up a facade, for the sake of their children, businesses or society. All that glitters was not gold and almost everyone was winging it. 

It is about love, and its absence or loss. Love for our children, spouses, families, friends ,lovers and work. We struggle with what we love, and who we fall in love with.  We place our loved ones on a pedestal and forgive them because of our love for them . We make sacrifices and sell our souls to make them happy.  We change to make ourselves lovable to them. We want them with us and we cling, hoping they will never leave . When they do go away, show their clay feet or betray us,  they carve out a piece of us...and in trying to repair that hole in the heart, we unravel. 

I figured - at some basic level, everyone unravels. Some hide it well or have better coping mechanisms. A few talk about it while others choke internally, trying to make method of their madness. Some take a higher moral ground and take no responsibility. Still others are angry enough to destroy themselves in order to destroy the person who betrayed them. Some get life threatening diseases because of what they are going through. 

Some unraveling has societal sanction, and others are worthy of disdain. And there are strange situations where everyone feels like a victim, and there is no way to put things right. At each point I wondered  - How did this person make it through? Is there a right or a wrong in anything? Can things be set right? Is forgiveness over-rated? Can you really judge anyone? Who are you finally answerable to? Is there Karma? Instant Karma?

I felt relief when I was done with Unravel. It is draining to tell a story that may or may not have a happy ending. 

Today though, I feel sad that the one person who would have been awfully proud of me, even though she could not read - my granny - did not live to see it. Unfortunately, her life ended at the point where Unravel begins....I so wish I had not begun the story like that.... 

Tomorrow I know, I will have a palate for another set of stories, but right now, the anxiety, bitterness, anger, pain, happiness and gratitude -  at all that made Unravel happen for me - makes it a very bittersweet end to this amazing journey. 

Of Bonds and Belonging

This August , it will be an year since we moved to the US. The move happened so quick and the events went by at such an alarming pace, that I did not get time to breathe. Among other things, it was a time of farewell parties...and thoughtful gifts that my lovely friends gave me. 

As I moved into my new home in Scarsdale this weekend,  I re-discovered some of the gifts I had received, and that were lost in the infinite number of bags  we got from India. Among them - a set of cushion covers by a famous artist, a ‘happiness’ jar, a poster of things people said about me, a quiz on ‘Knowing Preeti’ , CDs of all my favorite Bollywood numbers, a sequined stole and a saree that belonged to my friend’s granny that she passed on to me .And a lovely scroll by my bestie in Mumbai...that detailed all the B words that reminded her of me. Bitch, Bhel Puri, Beer, Bawling, Baubles, Building, Bully among others. Each word had a memory behind it. 

And it teared me up. Completely. 

This move to the US is a wonderful opportunity for the family. I feel blessed that my life has, at regular intervals, changed its course and taken me to entirely new places. It is always a great learning experience to move to a new place, and observe and understand how people live, what drives them and what their core values are. It is wonderful to roam the country as little more than a tourist in transit and really appreciate its beauty and the underbelly. To cook as the locals do, to enjoy the sports they enjoy, and to part of a multi-cultural global community - it can’t get any better!

And yet, I miss what I have left behind. I miss Mumbai- its incredible spirit and the amazing people that drive it. I miss the network I had created, not because I have awesome social skills, but purely on the strength of growing up, studying and working in India. To try and establish credibility in a new country is such an uphill task. And a little de-humanising as well, because of the sense of entitlement that comes from ‘belonging’ to a place or people. Clearly, there are some things I have to unlearn first.

Most of all, I miss my friends.Nothing quite fills up the gap that I feel because of the physical absence of my beloved friends. I say physical, because all of them are utterly gracious -  keeping me in the loop on what  happens in their lives, making me part of whatsapp groups for events, and facetiming or calling me when they are together to tell me I am being thought of and being missed. 

I have re-connected with old friends in the US, and am enjoying re-discovering them. I have met new lovely people as well. And I am possessive of my time with my family now. 

Yet, I miss the ease and simplicity of my relationships in Mumbai. Friendships that were defined by a mutual love of some sort- for food, books, movies, gossip, music, work , kids or bondings because of school, college or work. Of bonds created and strengthened over endless cups of tea, a Bollywood dance club, vodka shots, training for marathon, learning to cook  a new cuisine, plays, pedicures and manicures, arguments over books and movies, samosas and popcorn and walking on Pali Hill or Bandra together. Most of us were working, and yet always found time to meet, lend a shoulder, offer advice, or merely hang out together  for the sheer joy of being friends. 

When people tell me that I will end up staying for more than five years in the US, my heart cringes. When they tell me that this is the best place in the world, I don’t argue with them. They have not walked in my steps to know where my heart lies. And what I consider the best place in my life...

Who bombed Mumbai?

Ashwin Sanghi’s book ‘Chanakya’s Chants’ ruined whatever idealism I thought there might have been in politics.

So I have become cynical about many things. For instance, is Kasab (in custody) the real terrorist who was unleashed in Mumbai that fateful July night? Is it not eerie that the only terrorist who was caught on the cctv cameras was the one finally arrested, and is the only one who survived? Could it be true that there is no Kasab and that ‘details’ of his trial are released periodically to showcase how mean the terrorist is and how ethical we are in giving him a fair trial?

So who bombed Mumbai?

The Pakistanis - Maybe! They have enough troubles at home and a terrorist attack on India is a good diversionary tactic. Besides, they can’t really take off on the US, can they, for coming into Pakistan to ‘eliminate’ Osama? (btw, is it only good timing that the US found Osama now? When Obama was having problems at home? Now people are all praises for his leadership!)

The BJP/Shiv Sena/RSS - Maybe! To bring to fore the inability of the Congress to protect its citizens. None of their moves have borne any fruit - Ramdev has been discredited and even Ayodhya is not attracting enough attention to create fire. A series of bomb blasts in Mumbai is awesome fodder.

The Congress - Maybe. The party is under tremendous fire for inaction and its inability to rise out of corruption and other scandals. Citizens and civil society groups are asking too many questions ; the tv channels also do not give them breathing space. So a ‘terrorist’ attack on Mumbai is a quickie to deflect attention. Sure, the Congress has come under fire because of its inability to protect Mumbaikars, but their lament that Pakistan is out to destabilise India has many sympathisers. Ofcourse we Indians hate Pakis for the way they terrorise us!So, Congress loses a battle, but wins a political war!

Wah! I love this politics business, where everyone is suspect and everyone has an ulterior motive! And anyone could have bombed Mumbai!

Actually anyone - the real estate sharks, the migrant population, the kids who don’t like school, people who wanted a holiday the next day, Ram Gopal Verma who wanted candid shots on his new movie on Maria Susiaraj and 26/11! Anyone could have bombed Mumbai !

The only sad bit - Mumbai has zero infrastructure development and its once impeccable police is corrupt and dances on the tunes of politicians. And yet, Mumbaikars go about their business, not because of their resilient spirit, but because it is an expensive city and people have to work and earn a living.

And I don't think there is a Chanakya in any of the parties who is strategising all this for India's benefit. Atleast the Chanakya of the 3rd BC had ethics!