My 15 seconds of fame

Three weeks before Unravel was to release, I got an email from one of the leading newspapers in UK. They had picked up the “Preeti Singh or Pat Smith” article on talkingcranes.com  and wanted to interview me on it.

I was terribly delighted...this is one of the biggest, most respected newspapers in the UK. I never would have gained access to them so easily.  I believe that when you want something, the universe comes together to give it to you. The timing was impeccable.  Unravel was going to be launched in three weeks, and coverage in that newspaper would give me an instant boost. 

I sent in my responses to their queries. I told them what had happened, and how I had felt. 

I had sent the blog with a little note to those five literary agents who had responded to Pat Smith, not Preeti Singh, and four of them wrote back to me. Their responses bordered from the humble to incredible.

 One claimed that the blog had been sent in error to them because they had never received the Preeti Singh ms. The second one said that the error was committed by some junior intern who had sifted through the manuscripts at the time. A third charmingly wrote that the Preeti Singh ms got drowned in the deluge of manuscripts they typically receive in the end winter/spring season; the Pat Smith ms got noticed because it was sent in the summers, traditionally a slow period for them.

The fourth was polite and pretty upfront. They apologized that an error had been made, and these errors can happen sometimes because there is a certain comfort with names they are familiar with. 

We do know subtle racism, and everyone faces it at one time or another - because of the color of one’s skin or accent, country or religion, and even one’s name or traditional attire. I was not shocked , merely surprised because literature is all about stories and different voices. 

The editor was empathetic, and very professional. Just before they were to publish the story, she asked me to send her the email exchanges with the literary agents as proof that such an event had occurred. It is the newspaper’s policy to verify the authenticity of the event. I respect that - it shows the integrity of the newspaper, unlike the many tabloids that sensationalize news without finding out if it is true or not. 

As I put together the emails to send to the editor, something snapped in me. I took a step back from the whole situation. Did I really want to do this? Did I want to put my experience down to a case of racism, and did I want justice ? Did I want to put myself out there as a victim of discrimination? Was that the way I wanted to be known? Was there any wrong doing after all?

Perhaps there was wrong doing, perhaps there was none, but it was definitely not a life-changing event for me.

 I may be delusional, but I have never bothered with discrimination of any sort - I have shown the middle finger, literally and figuratively, to anyone who has tried to put me in my ‘place’ because of my gender, religion, community, country, education, blah blah blah. I have done whatever it is that I set out to do, and have found a measure of success. 

Eventually, I declined to send the emails from the literary agents to the editor.This meant that they would not mention my name or carry my story. I was letting go of a golden opportunity to get my 15 seconds of fame, and to promote Unravel. 

Surprisingly, I felt okay about that. The whole exercise had been a fun thing - not necessarily to prove a point to someone. I did not want to be at the centre of a debate that I had not wanted to start. I felt uncomfortable about it snowballing into something I had no control over. Importantly, I did not want to set this example for my children -  that they can blame their failure to things like racism, discrimination and so on. 

It is so easy to feel like a victim and to want the world to make it right for you. If I succumbed to that feeling, it would be criminal, almost a sin. I am incredibly blessed with great things and people in my life. Every day, I meet amazing people, strangers even, who are gracious and kind to me.They all help me realize my dreams - small and big, significant or unimportant. A person like me has no business complaining. 

I did feel a momentary pang of regret at passing up the opportunity. Had I sent the emails, I would have been part of a nice, engaging, incisive article on discrimination in literary circles - in one of the finest newspapers in the world.  That would have boosted sales of Unravel and I would have been famous, without even trying hard!!

But then, those 15 seconds of fame would never prove to me if I was indeed worthy of fame or had the talent to make a writing career. I am happier like this- letting it all unravel, one thread at a time!

Letting it Unravel

Unravel got launched this week...not with great pomp like a JK Rowling or  Ravi Subramaniam book. But it was BIG for me. To see the result of something that had consumed my mind go live on Amazon and other sites was , to say the least, overwhelming. 

When I held the first copy of Unravel in my hand, I was a bit stunned. I couldn’t believe I had written something that was over 200 pages long. I had always loved reading and tried to fathom how people wrote so much. I never thought I had it in me.

Perhaps, grief, anger, bitterness and other negative emotions have a way of worming themselves into one’s heart. As I learnt to cope with my own crises, I developed a greater sensitivity to what was happening around me. I realized that happy , calm faces hid great pain. Loads of money or success did not necessarily mean more happiness and peace. Couples that seemed to be so well put together, were actually putting up a facade, for the sake of their children, businesses or society. All that glitters was not gold and almost everyone was winging it. 

It is about love, and its absence or loss. Love for our children, spouses, families, friends ,lovers and work. We struggle with what we love, and who we fall in love with.  We place our loved ones on a pedestal and forgive them because of our love for them . We make sacrifices and sell our souls to make them happy.  We change to make ourselves lovable to them. We want them with us and we cling, hoping they will never leave . When they do go away, show their clay feet or betray us,  they carve out a piece of us...and in trying to repair that hole in the heart, we unravel. 

I figured - at some basic level, everyone unravels. Some hide it well or have better coping mechanisms. A few talk about it while others choke internally, trying to make method of their madness. Some take a higher moral ground and take no responsibility. Still others are angry enough to destroy themselves in order to destroy the person who betrayed them. Some get life threatening diseases because of what they are going through. 

Some unraveling has societal sanction, and others are worthy of disdain. And there are strange situations where everyone feels like a victim, and there is no way to put things right. At each point I wondered  - How did this person make it through? Is there a right or a wrong in anything? Can things be set right? Is forgiveness over-rated? Can you really judge anyone? Who are you finally answerable to? Is there Karma? Instant Karma?

I felt relief when I was done with Unravel. It is draining to tell a story that may or may not have a happy ending. 

Today though, I feel sad that the one person who would have been awfully proud of me, even though she could not read - my granny - did not live to see it. Unfortunately, her life ended at the point where Unravel begins....I so wish I had not begun the story like that.... 

Tomorrow I know, I will have a palate for another set of stories, but right now, the anxiety, bitterness, anger, pain, happiness and gratitude -  at all that made Unravel happen for me - makes it a very bittersweet end to this amazing journey. 

Preeti Singh or Pat Smith

When I moved to the US from Mumbai last year, I spent the first few months working on Unravel, a novel of linked short stories based in Mumbai. In NY, my writing workshop pals recommended that I explore the US market for the book, instead of focusing only on the Indian market. I thought it was worth a try. I took sessions to write an impressive query letter to reach out to literary agents. Based on the letter, the literary agents would decide if my book was worthy of representation! 

I got down to work - wrote a nice query letter , researched on what literary agents/agencies would be best suited for my book and sent it off to all of them. And sat down and waited. And waited. Not an email, not a word, for over three months, despite reminders in some cases.

Just for fun, one crazy day, I set up another email account - in the name of Pat Smith.Then I sent the same query letter, the blurb, the bio and the sample chapters of Unravel to the very same literary agents. I merely changed Preeti Singh to Pat Smith in the documents. 

What followed was amazing. Five of those literary agents responded within the space of 10 days. I was amused beyond belief!

 All things equal, what was so special about Pat Smith ? Why could Preeti Singh not elicit any response? 

I am still unraveling the mystery ofcourse, but here are some of the potential reasons I could come up with 

• Unravel by Preeti Singh is not an ‘immigrant’ story, therefore did not hold topical appeal. 
•  Unravel by Preeti Singh is not a story about persecuted Indian women - women burnt for dowry, women raped in broad daylight and so on. Things that happen to women in feudal societies. Who really wants to read about a of bunch of women on Pali Hill?
• Unravel by Pat Smith becomes exotic. Pat may be a Caucasian, a foreigner who was in India. She observed India closely, and wrote ‘insightfully‘ about Indian women.  She felt the pain of the common sisterhood of shared experiences between women across the world.
• Unravel by Pat Smith is a wonderful ‘commentary’ on ‘modern Indian women.’

(the words in the apostrophes were used by the literary agents.)

What could I have done better I thought? I could have changed the name to ‘Caged Bird’, ‘The Burnt Bride’, ‘Chained since Birth’ or some such name to show an ‘Indian’ woman’s trauma. Or I  could have written a terrible tale where the family and husband conspire to burn a  young bride to death; or a slum girl achieves her dreams despite being forced into prostitution.

Better still, I could have written about my immigrant experience in the US. Painted a sad picture subtle and outright racist behavior, how I lost my self esteem, and how I discovered myself through all the painful experiences!

Would that have worked I wonder? Is that what is expected when an ethnic sounding ‘Preeti Singh’ sends a query letter and sample chapters?

I don’t have an explanation  for this bizarre episode, but atleast I know this - my query letter was a well-crafted one,  and  Unravel is a good story. 

And ofcourse my work has increased. I have to wear two hats now. As Preeti Singh I have to figure what stories to write that will get accepted in the US. Or think as Pat Smith and create another Indian/exotic  experience! 

First things first though - I have to send this blog to those literary agents!!