I chanced upon this while researching history. Powerful words from Tarabai Shinde's Stripurushtulna (A comparison of women and men)
Once a woman's husband has died...
Isin't a woman's life as dear to her as yours is to you? It's as if women are meant to be made from something different from men altogether, made from dust of earth or rock or rusted iron whereas you and your lives are made from the purest gold...
you are asking me what I mean. I mean once a woman's husband has died...what's in store for her? The barber comes to shave all the curls and hair off her head, just to cool your eyes. ..She is shut out from going to weddings, receptions and other auspicious occasions that married women go to.
And why all the restrictions? Because her husband has died. She is unlucky:ill fate is written on her forehead. Her face is not to be seen, it's a bad omen
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Measure for Success
I was super ambitious when I was in school; fuelled by doing well in studies, sports and extra-curriculars and feted and peted by my principals and teachers, I believed I could conquer the world. My parents were focussed on giving me an education that would help me build a great career -and I dreamt of money, heading a business and taking my natural place in the Corporate order.I loved my first job and had a great time travelling across the country, even to places like Asansol, Patna and Dhanbad.
Then marriage and kids happened. And suddenly, much as I wanted to be a career woman, I could not bear to leave Nishna behind. Her little fingers tugged at my heart and I wanted to be with her. My mom kept nagging me to go back to work, but I could not. Praneet was on a roll and to be together meant that I had to give up work.
Those were good years, of sorts. I traveled the world, had another kid, but through it all, I itched to get back to work.
Going back to work after many years was a pleasure - getting up in the morning, getting ready, meeting people with whom you could share a coffee and gossip - and do interesting work.
It was not easy. My batchmates had moved way ahead of me and were heading divisions and/or companies, while I was no where near any of that. The years I had spent was an entreprenuer and the experiences I had gained because of that did not really count for anything. And ofcourse, I must be getting paid lesser than the MBA fresher.
All this does not really do good things for one’s ego.
My Mother always tells me to measure what I have gained against what my losses might be. I was lucky that I did not need to work for money, got to spend time with my kids and it is rewarding to see them grow into secure, confident, intelligent young adults.
It has not been pleasant to not have my own personal wealth (though truth be told, that did not stop me from spending Praneet’s money!).It makes me feel happy to see my friends so successful but it hurts coz I know I was as good, if not better.
After years I have eventually come back to what I love most - books. In my new freelancer capacity I write, read, edit and recommend good manuscripts. I get to curate the Kalaghoda festival and have made many friendships and business relationships because of that.
And today, I am at the crossroad of yet another decision - to stay at home for this year and write and nurture myself; or to join a fabulous company that is doing pathbreaking work in education.
The dilemma is intense, because for once I don’t think I have the energy to manage so much anymore. It is bothering me that I am possibly letting go of the best corporate job that has come my way.
But something a friend told me yesterday rings true for once. That this is possibly the only time I have, to create something that will impact kids’ lives. That I should measure my success against that, not against the amount of money I earn. That my success will be eventually reflected in the lives that my children carve out for themselves.
In the final analysis, I don’t know if I will win or lose!
Then marriage and kids happened. And suddenly, much as I wanted to be a career woman, I could not bear to leave Nishna behind. Her little fingers tugged at my heart and I wanted to be with her. My mom kept nagging me to go back to work, but I could not. Praneet was on a roll and to be together meant that I had to give up work.
Those were good years, of sorts. I traveled the world, had another kid, but through it all, I itched to get back to work.
Going back to work after many years was a pleasure - getting up in the morning, getting ready, meeting people with whom you could share a coffee and gossip - and do interesting work.
It was not easy. My batchmates had moved way ahead of me and were heading divisions and/or companies, while I was no where near any of that. The years I had spent was an entreprenuer and the experiences I had gained because of that did not really count for anything. And ofcourse, I must be getting paid lesser than the MBA fresher.
All this does not really do good things for one’s ego.
My Mother always tells me to measure what I have gained against what my losses might be. I was lucky that I did not need to work for money, got to spend time with my kids and it is rewarding to see them grow into secure, confident, intelligent young adults.
It has not been pleasant to not have my own personal wealth (though truth be told, that did not stop me from spending Praneet’s money!).It makes me feel happy to see my friends so successful but it hurts coz I know I was as good, if not better.
After years I have eventually come back to what I love most - books. In my new freelancer capacity I write, read, edit and recommend good manuscripts. I get to curate the Kalaghoda festival and have made many friendships and business relationships because of that.
And today, I am at the crossroad of yet another decision - to stay at home for this year and write and nurture myself; or to join a fabulous company that is doing pathbreaking work in education.
The dilemma is intense, because for once I don’t think I have the energy to manage so much anymore. It is bothering me that I am possibly letting go of the best corporate job that has come my way.
But something a friend told me yesterday rings true for once. That this is possibly the only time I have, to create something that will impact kids’ lives. That I should measure my success against that, not against the amount of money I earn. That my success will be eventually reflected in the lives that my children carve out for themselves.
In the final analysis, I don’t know if I will win or lose!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Being a Mother
My ex-boss used to say that every woman who becomes a mother becomes a gyaani. She thinks she knows it all. Ofcourse, he was a single Panju ladla son of his mother, so he could not have known any better.
The fact is, nothing prepares us for motherhood. Even though, from the very beginning we are told that women are natural mothers, the reality, atleast for me was quite different.
Motherhood came with discomfort for me. I did not feel any particular pleasure when I conceived and carried Nishna in me. The overwhelming thought was that I was losing my figure and getting stretch marks. And when I held Nishna in my arms, I did not fall in love with her. I was merely amazed that I had been carrying her in me.
Falling in love with her happened a little later, but I lost my sleep. I would wake up at night and constantly check on her - putting my fingers under her nose to feel her breath or my palms on her stomach to check the gentle breathing in and out.
I lost my sleep and gained anxiety and fear. What if something went wrong? What if someone took her away? What if I lost her?
Her growing up has not lessened my anxiety, if anything I am more worried today. At 13, Nishna is discovering her self as a young woman; friends are an integral part of her life and she is learning to tell me partial truths.
And I worry and worry and worry. What if she goes astray? What if she gets into trouble and hides it from me? How will I handle her gentle heart being broken - by friends, boyfriends, school results and so forth? What if she is stalked and troubled?
Oh!the list is endless and I realise that I am so ill-equipped to handle this new phase of motherhood. Should I try being a friend to her? Or being a Mommy? Or look for a mid path where she will confide in me? How do I control my anxiety and the anger that spills forth because of it? What mistakes am I committing?What if my approach is not the right one?
I know she has to gain her own experiences and be richer because of them. But if there was a way, I would gather her in my arms and shield and protect her from all the hurt and trouble.
Really- I would be protecting myself because Motherhood hurts.
The fact is, nothing prepares us for motherhood. Even though, from the very beginning we are told that women are natural mothers, the reality, atleast for me was quite different.
Motherhood came with discomfort for me. I did not feel any particular pleasure when I conceived and carried Nishna in me. The overwhelming thought was that I was losing my figure and getting stretch marks. And when I held Nishna in my arms, I did not fall in love with her. I was merely amazed that I had been carrying her in me.
Falling in love with her happened a little later, but I lost my sleep. I would wake up at night and constantly check on her - putting my fingers under her nose to feel her breath or my palms on her stomach to check the gentle breathing in and out.
I lost my sleep and gained anxiety and fear. What if something went wrong? What if someone took her away? What if I lost her?
Her growing up has not lessened my anxiety, if anything I am more worried today. At 13, Nishna is discovering her self as a young woman; friends are an integral part of her life and she is learning to tell me partial truths.
And I worry and worry and worry. What if she goes astray? What if she gets into trouble and hides it from me? How will I handle her gentle heart being broken - by friends, boyfriends, school results and so forth? What if she is stalked and troubled?
Oh!the list is endless and I realise that I am so ill-equipped to handle this new phase of motherhood. Should I try being a friend to her? Or being a Mommy? Or look for a mid path where she will confide in me? How do I control my anxiety and the anger that spills forth because of it? What mistakes am I committing?What if my approach is not the right one?
I know she has to gain her own experiences and be richer because of them. But if there was a way, I would gather her in my arms and shield and protect her from all the hurt and trouble.
Really- I would be protecting myself because Motherhood hurts.
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