Being a Mother

My ex-boss used to say that every woman who becomes a mother becomes a gyaani. She thinks she knows it all. Ofcourse, he was a single Panju ladla son of his mother, so he could not have known any better.
The fact is, nothing prepares us for motherhood. Even though, from the very beginning we are told that women are natural mothers, the reality, atleast for me was quite different.
Motherhood came with discomfort for me. I did not feel any particular pleasure when I conceived and carried Nishna in me. The overwhelming thought was that I was losing my figure and getting stretch marks. And when I held Nishna in my arms, I did not fall in love with her. I was merely amazed that I had been carrying her in me.
Falling in love with her happened a little later, but I lost my sleep. I would wake up at night and constantly check on her - putting my fingers under her nose to feel her breath or my palms on her stomach to check the gentle breathing in and out.
I lost my sleep and gained anxiety and fear. What if something went wrong? What if someone took her away? What if I lost her?
Her growing up has not lessened my anxiety, if anything I am more worried today. At 13, Nishna is discovering her self as a young woman; friends are an integral part of her life and she is learning to tell me partial truths.
And I worry and worry and worry. What if she goes astray? What if she gets into trouble and hides it from me? How will I handle her gentle heart being broken - by friends, boyfriends, school results and so forth? What if she is stalked and troubled?
Oh!the list is endless and I realise that I am so ill-equipped to handle this new phase of motherhood. Should I try being a friend to her? Or being a Mommy? Or look for a mid path where she will confide in me? How do I control my anxiety and the anger that spills forth because of it? What mistakes am I committing?What if my approach is not the right one?
I know she has to gain her own experiences and be richer because of them. But if there was a way, I would gather her in my arms and shield and protect her from all the hurt and trouble.
Really- I would be protecting myself because Motherhood hurts.