How Worthy Am I?

AK Hangal, the veteran actor died at 98 in Mumbai yesterday. A ripe old age and a life well led I suppose. But the news reports in the papers today were dismal and angered me terribly.

So what if Bollywood bigwigs did not make it to the funeral. How does that, in any manner, reflect the worth of the man? Would he have been worthier if AB, SRK, AK and all the glam dolls attended the funeral dressed in white, looking suitably glamourous and sad for the press?

I don’t get it. AK Hangal clearly had a family - I am sure he was well loved. He must have had a bunch of friends who are middle class anonymous like us. He must have had well-wishers who are not news-worthy. All these people must have been there - around him in life and in death.

What does truly define the worth of a human being? For me, it is love of my family - my parents, my husband, my siblings and my kids. It is the love of my extended family that cares deeply about me. It is the affection of my friends who are there for me at anytime. It is my well-wishers who have supported me at work and elsewhere. 

Like most of us ( I am certain), I spent a large part of my energy trying to be worthy in the eyes of people whose approval  I craved - it might have been the IT gang in my schools, or the arrogant girl who everyone wanted to be friends with in college. It was the teacher who  did not know my existence in MBA coz I was so poor in the subject. It was the hot guy I wanted to date or the boss who hated me and made my life miserable. The ‘worthiness‘ may have been reflected in the kind of clothes I wore, the cars I was driven around in, the houses and assets we own and everything else that bespoke a certain social standing. 

It took me a number of years and many experiences to arrive at the status of FUCK YOU. And to stop being bothered by unworthy people. And for me to realise that I was really seeking something that I did not want or need.  That my parameters for self worth and self esteem were with me all the while that I had looked for them elsewhere. 

So today, if someone does not want to give me a job - its their loss, if someone does not want my friendship - its their loss and if someone does not value me - it is their loss.

And these are people I definitely do not want at my funeral. I am not famous and I will not merit the presence of media at my death. But I would consider my life well spent if all my loved ones are there on that day. I would like to die-not so old, so all my cherished ones will attend my memorial service. And it will be a memorial service to remember - In a bar, with lots of food, drinks and cheap Bollywood songs!! 

And I will raise a toast with the Almighty!!