Cancer Etiquette

Rano’s weekly chemotherapy schedule was to change to a fortnightly one and she was quite relieved about it. 12 weeks of constant in and out of the hospital, and feeling sick all week is quite exhausting and she was looking forward to not feeling so sick. 

And I walked into her house one evening and told her about a friend who could not get out of bed for 10 days post her fortnightly chemo coz it made her so sick. Little did I know the impact it would have on my sister. She was stressed all night and inconsolable. And I got the dressing down of my life from my Mom and bro-in-law. 

I am not alone in putting my foot in my mouth (atleast in this case for sure)!

Cancer brings out the best in most people. Strangers help each other and try to make life easier for the cancer patient. They step out of line to let a cancer patient go ahead, they will pay money if the person runs short while buying medicines and will commiserate.

And one way of commiserating is to tell stories of other cancer patients. Sharing their stories becomes one way of trying to reduce a cancer patient’s fear. So when someone narrates the story of how an aunt had cancer, and only lost a breast,  or that a relative developed a lesion in another part of the body, or that a neighbour died because the cancer came suddenly , it is meant to allay the patient’s fear. It is a way of making the patient understand that they are blessed and that others have had it worse.

But it comes out all wrong. The moment a person realises they have cancer, it creates an unimaginable fear. The dreaded C is something to be combatted and the treatment is almost as bad as the disease. Ask cancer patients, and they will tell you that they have nightmares about their mortality. They worry about themselves, about their kids and their loved ones. And then to hear stories - and most of these end badly- trips them big time. 

So what do we do? Clearly we care...and want to show the patient that we are there for them. So here is what works (atleast in my experience).

• Telling someone ‘you have the good cancer’ is not funny. Cancer is cancer...and scary in any form for the patient. 
• If you don’t have the courage to visit them or are not in the same city, it is fine. But let them know you are there. Rano’s friends would call her, sms to her and put stuff on her FB or BB to let her know that they were there for her and were thinking of her.’Not knowing what to say’ is not an excuse. 
• If the patient is looking really sick, there is no need to tell her she looks fabulous. Tell her that you can see she is feeling awful and ask if can you do something for her? Maybe cook up a favorite dish or read something funny or watch a stupid movie together so the beast is forgotten for sometime. 
• Give the patient an opportunity (if he wants) to talk about how he is feeling. So when you ask ‘How are you feeling?’, be prepared for the patient to detail to you exactly that. They need to vent, they also need validation and support. 
• Most of the patients feel more depressed when they lose their hair - be gentle, not patronising. They look different, not bad or weird. And tell the patient that. And don’t wear the ‘pity’ eyes. They are fighters and survivors and need no pity. 
• Don’t get offended if the patient takes off on you or says something nasty. Their bodies are full of chemicals that play havoc with their emotions. They go through too much turmoil and therefore get angry and hysterical. They may not respond to your messages or take your calls. They need energy to get well - it is not their time to make you feel special. 
• Above all, don’t give gyaan. They don’t need it. They don’t need to be told what diets are good, what treatments work, why they are feeling sick and so on. Remember, they are processing all that information from their doctors - so refrain from imparting your knowledge. 

A smile that tells them that you care about them, a deep felt hug and your genuineness are all they want.