Is There A God?

As a kid, I did what I believed in God -  I prayed to Him , recited my prayers and went to the Gurudwara. When I wanted good grades, wanted to get out of trouble or wanted things badly , I prayed vigorously . I bribed, I made offerings, I promised a zillion things. I don’t really remember if God listened to me, because I don’t recollect doing any of the things I had promised. 

I know what everyone says about keeping the faith - that when things fall apart, things go wrong - then pray, believe that God is there for you. And I have tried to keep the faith. But it does not make sense to me. I mean where is He when  you need Him? When you are in trouble? When you are sick? When you desire something intensely? 

He is not there.

And we explain his absence by saying God is doing this to make you stronger. Or that He is giving you only that much suffering as you can bear. Or that He is there - his Hand is on you. Or that there are better things in store for you and He is merely testing you.Or that you are part of His bigger plan. 

Bullshit I say. 

There is no-one except for you. You make choices - you reap their benefits or repercussions. You are the one who learns to handle the problems, to handle your pain. You are the one who seeks and finds a solution. You work towards improving your life, getting your self esteem back, learn to fight your demons. You are the one who makes peace with all that bothers you. You are the one who is eventually in-charge of your Karma. 

Then why place your faith on someone who is not there? Who, in my mind, does not exist. If there is a God, and you His child, would He not try to ease your journey ? Why would He be avengeful? And frankly why would He try and make you learn ‘lessons’? 

The only entity I need to have faith in is Me. Because only I have the strength to deal with all that I go through. When I have cried, felt pain , been helpless, I have found the strength within me to become strong again.When I felt I could not go on any longer, I have turned the corner on my sheer will power.  My journey may not have been what I wanted it to be, but I made it by myself. 

There has been no God, except in my prayers when I have been most distraught. And there was no God to give me strength when I needed it most. He was not there when I needed answers and He was not there to make me better when I could have done with TLC. So for me, God does not exist. I have given up the ritual of going to the Gurudwara to offer prayers to a non-existent thing. 

The Guru Granth Sahib makes sense to me, because it contains simple tools for living. 

But God - NO. 

For me, there is no power bigger than what is within me. So I choose to Keep the Faith in Me.