Learning to Breathe

One of my oldest friends stopped by yesterday and remarked that I had not written a blog for months. And I told her that I had nothing to say. She looked at me strangely and commented,‘Really? I never thought I would see the day when you would have nothing to say!’

When did I become this? Since when did I have nothing to say? My kids call me a ‘social shut-in’  because I am not being social , not attending PTA meets or hooking up with other Moms to make friends in Scarsdale.  And my parents comment that I am working too hard at domestic chores and not attempting to get out there and get a job. And my best friend in Mumbai is terribly upset that I have become too distant - literally and figuratively. My friends worry that I am lonely, and/or the cold weather is getting me down.

I think  I am in a slow down mode. A sort of downtime really. I loved Mumbai - its energy, its pace . I went with the flow - and loved every moment of my stay in Mumbai. After all, in my whole life, I had never stayed in one place that long. Suddenly, I had around me an incredible number of great friends, colleagues and acquaintances. I had my siblings with me, and my kids were in the best school and doing fabulously.  I had a rocking life - great work, great friends, partying, socialising - everything you could want in a happy ,fulfilled life. 

I think the relentless pace got to me. Add to that the severe mid-life crisis that can hit anyone +/- 40 years and its accompanying insecurities and emotional upheavals. Looking back all the disasters hit me together - including the letting go of a dream job to chase another dream, the loss of a  dear friend, betrayal by some I considered my very own, and an illness in the family that rocked our very foundation .

The good thing about us humans is that when we are in a tough situation ,our energies are focussed on survival. Of getting through the day, of finishing a piece of work, of trying to bring some method to the madness. There is an unwillingness at that time to succumb to grief or let anxiety take you over. So when the phase is over, and life begins to brighten up, you suddenly think - OMG, that was the most horrible time of my life, and I survived!!

And now, so far away in Scarsdale, I feel I can finally breathe again. My family back home laughs everytime they Face Time with me and see me working , and my close pal calls me the Scarsdale Bai. But I enjoy it. The simple act of making tea, counting till 30 till my first flush tea brews to perfection. Of cooking a meal from scratch - cutting, chopping , frying and what not. Of doing the laundry and folding the clothes with ‘mindfulness’. Of dropping and picking up Praneet from the station. Of spending time with my kids, listening to their cultural experiences at the new school. 

For now - I am loving being alone. Going for long walks and discovering Scarsdale. Watching my favorite Game of Thrones with my breakfast. Writing. Reading. Sleeping early. Sleeping deep and long. I feel no pressure - of being well turned out, of having to make small talk, of being pulled in all directions, of my phone constantly pinging. No pressure to make friends, to keep in touch with anyone, to present a point of view or to get into a heated argument on any issue with anyone. 

Life has a way of giving you what you need. And I think this is what I had needed and not realised. A downtime to recharge myself ,my stretched patience and frazzled nerves. To slow down and pace myself out. To spend time with the people I love the most in the world. To finally be with myself. 

Knowing me , I possibly don’t have too much time in this phase . My hyperactive self will kick in soon enough. But for now I am content to be in this Slo Mo life.