Peeling Off the 50 Shades of Grey

Last week at the gym, when I overheard a couple of women discussing Fifty Shades and calling it mommy porn, I decided it was time to re-engage with the series. Years ago, I could not get through the Fifty Shades of Grey book.  Anastasia Steele’s neediness and masochism appalled me and Christian Grey was the devil incarnate! After groaning through the first hundred pages, I  skipped to the end of the book. Finally (I thought) good sense had prevailed and Anastasia walked away from this destructive relationship, but not before being brutally thrashed. I was never inspired to pick up the next two in the series, though the books made readers of people who had never read in their lives! An acquaintance who finds it difficult to go through a lengthy email actually read the book; his wife and he would discuss it every night!  I was invited to a Fifty Shades theme party and I found the idea appalling (ok, so I did not possess leather pants, handcuffs and other ‘bare’ necessities). No accounting for taste I thought!

Now, I had to see the movie alone (my teenage daughter was horrified that I wanted to take her, and the husband looked blank and the son - well he pretended to not hear me at all ). So armed with popcorn and soda, I settled into a theatre seat, surrounded by women - some who had come with friends - and some lone rangers like me!  

Can a movie ever be better than the book it is inspired from? Generally not, but I must confess, I loved the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. The movie is way superior to the tacky book. Call it mommy porn or whatever, but judging by their reactions, the women in the movie theatre enjoyed the movie as much as I did. Who would not want Christian Grey? Brought up on a diet of romantic novels (and an English Literature degree), Christian Grey comes closest to my idea of a  perfect boyfriend.  A good looking billionaire, he woos Anastasia with joy rides on the private plane, a laptop, a first edition copy of Tess and a car to replace her ancient one. He picks her up dead drunk from the pub and puts her to bed. He  buys her lovely clothes and takes her to meet his parents. He is possessive and jealous when other men eye her! He has a dark side that is begging to be unraveled and he is drool-worthy!

Ever since the movie released, there has been a spate of articles and television programs on how the movie is a blatant endorsement of sexual violence against women.Yes, Christian Grey is also a sadist. He has a playroom with sex toys and cables, ropes, handcuffs and whips. He wants Anastasia to be submissive and demands complete obedience. What starts (in her mind) as a playful thing becomes something quite degrading and humiliating and she begins to wonder if this is what she wants. Mom and parenting blogs denounce the character of Christian Grey and detail why they would not recommend their daughters to seek a boyfriend like this depraved character. Religious blogs state that Fifty Shades makes us lose our religion because lustful thoughts lead to lustful actions; that the movie sets you down a path of self-gratification and lust. 

Incidentally, most of this chastity focused  advice is directed towards women - I guess it is not so bad that online pornography has twice as many male viewers than women, and male erotica books and magazines are a large industry!

Fifty Shades of Grey is a story well-told (in the movie atleast). When you peel back the various shades of Grey, it is only a real-life love/lust/ambition story! The plot is very Harlequin/Mills and Boon-ish. Simple girl meets rich billionaire and is attracted to him. He pays her loads of attention, she feels intimidated yet overwhelmed, and wants him. Peel away the S&M sub-plot, and the story is what many ambitious girls aspire to. To find a rich, good-looking billionaire boyfriend who will set their hearts singing (trust me, a bankrupt, average looking boy is not any girl’s marriage aspiration) and offer marriage. Women are natural nurturers, yet they want nurturing too; then the desire to give up control to the one you trust can be terribly romantic! Besides, like Anastasia, most women think they can change the guy they want to be with - make him dress differently, wear a new perfume, stop smoking, start drinking, lose weight, stop womanizing, earn more money, be a better human being - whatever! 

So if Anastasia Steele has red, angry welts on her body, she has my empathy but no sympathy. She knows what she is getting into; she has seen the playroom and read up on submissives.  Like any woman in love, Anastasia puts Christian on a pedestal and does things that will please him and make him love her more. We all do that - sometimes we are rewarded, at other times betrayed or dumped but it is a risk we are willing to take. She chooses to stay and experiment, and attempts to change/understand Christian.  

In the end though it is Christian my heart goes out to. He is upfront about his expectations, lays down the rules of engagement for Anastasia and makes it clear that she can exit anytime she wants to. He struggles with his demons and the strong pull of the girl he is attracted to. He makes an attempt to be the kind of boyfriend Anastasia wants. Christian does things that he has not done with his 15 other submissives; he takes her out on dates and indulges her, and begins to confide in her. He may be damaged but he is not dishonest. 

After Anastasia tells Christian to punish her in the severest manner he can, so she can understand him better, she decides to walk out on him.  When it becomes difficult to find a reason to stay in a relationship, brave women walk out and leave. Yet to me Anastasia’s exit felt like a betrayal. I thought it was terribly unfair when she tells him that she loves him but does not want him anymore. What an awful burden to saddle someone else with! Additionally, you don’t ask someone to bare their soul to you, only to leave them feeling despondent and exposed. A person already damaged has less incentive to  trust and heal himself thereafter. 

Like me, even those who have not read the other two books know that Anastasia Steele gets Christian Grey in the end. Eventually, the unrelenting pressure of a woman’s love, and a man’s desire for her, can change him, and/or strike a more equitable balance. We love these fairytale endings!

I am all set for the next Fifty Shades movie!! My sincerest desire though is that Anastasia will stop biting her lip all the time - it was hardly a turn on, and by the end those silly red lips made me want to throw up!

A Shifting Perspective; published in The Scarsdale Inquirer on 20th Feb2015

I had my life all planned when we moved to Scarsdale from Mumbai, India last year. I would settle my 16 and 14 year olds in their new schools, set up our home and get a job in Manhattan. I had great references from my work place and a work permit; in a DKNY business suit I would live the corporate MBA American dream. I was 45, and excited to be in this land of opportunities.

In the midst of the job search I decided to explore my new home on foot and lose weight. I had piled on an additional ten pounds on my already plump self because of the endless farewell parties in Mumbai. All was well in my world till I realized that I was one of the few people walking in the village. Almost everyone else was running; around me were tight bodies and toned calves. I was inspired but soon ran into trouble. My lungs would scream for oxygen and the gently rolling Scarsdale roads (that make landscaping look so gorgeous) killed my legs. The doctor identified it as a tightening of the IT Band. He recommended I modify my diet to lose weight and join the gym to strengthen my legs.

Food had become a big problem here. While my children enjoy all cuisines, they began to crave an Indian meal everyday. I could bully my husband into eating take-out but couldn’t be unfair to the kids. In India, you don’t have to be super rich to have household staff. I had a live-in cook and my only culinary contribution was the daily menu I planned. Now I struggled to cook what I knew and make it palatable for the kids. I knifed my fingers every other day and stopped getting a manicure because it would not last. I hated the smell of Indian spices that seemed to cling to my hair and clothes and set aside a pair of sweats to cook in.

I joined an upmarket gym in Scarsdale and whatever little shred of positive body image I had melted away. There is nothing like seeing another woman’s naked body to get a perspective on what is wrong with your own. I saw perfect breasts of all sizes, flat muscular tummies that did not look like they had ever held babies in them, and toned limbs that fitted so well in a dress. I hated them and their bodies and hated my own. Nothing seemed to budge the fat from my body.

My unhappiness grew. Despite my experience in India no one was willing to offer me a position in the US. I went for many interviews, smiled and chatted over cups of coffee; in the feedback I was told that though I was intelligent, competent and capable, I did not understand the local market. I had never faced rejection and for the first time in my adult life, I was not earning my own money. My 16 year old consoled me, “You could go back to school and do a refresher MBA course.”

I balked. At $80000 and a GMAT test, this was not a viable option.

It was a bitter winter for me. I felt trapped, under-confident and pessimistic. I had never been lonelier and so friendless. I wanted to go home. To deal with my grief, I decided to write. There were stories brewing in my head since Mumbai but there had been no time to write them down. All through winter, I made the Scarsdale Library my home and poured my heart out into ‘Unravel’. I edited the copy and sent it out to publishers in India.

One day in spring when I was walking outdoors again, a lady ran up beside me. She said, “I have been watching you walk for some time. You look like you are having great fun. I like that.”

Before I could think of anything smart to say, she ran ahead. Something in me shifted that day. I finally felt at home. As I walked I thought. It was time to change my perspective. My ‘thin’ ship had sailed a long time ago and I may never be the typical slim, sexy Scarsdale mom. I might never experience the corporate American dream in a DKNY suit either. I had grown up in India and understood it well but the dynamics of my new home were different. I had to unlearn a few things and learn some afresh.

I joined a writing group, stepped out to make new friends and learnt to use zucchini, broccoli and kale in my Indian cooking. I decided to not go with the Indian publisher; instead I self-published my book ‘Unravel’, because my new friends in the US wanted to read it too.

Sometimes it takes a kind word at the appropriate moment to shift one’s perspective. I never encountered that woman again, but I hope she will read this and know how her act of kindness made me feel welcome!