Life and Death

‘I will call you back in ten minutes,’ said Vijay , and Sharmila , my live-in help waited all night for her boyfriend’s call. A call that never came because Vijay fell off the window of his 6th floor apartment and died on the spot. 

And as I console Sharmila, I watch her helplessness. She was not engaged to Vijay , even though they had been together for more than three years. So there is no way she can go  with the body to his village. She has not even managed to go see him for the last time because her parents disapproved of the relationship and won’t let her say goodbye. She is broken, yet, she is going about her chores like an automaton. I want her to go , but I realise there is no one she can go to.Her grief is so raw, so real and so heart-wrenching because she is denied all that she wants to do at this moment. 

Sharmila was so excited because last year I had started a salary saving scheme for her and she was going next weekend with her big kitty to buy jewelry with Vijay. Since her parents disapproved of this relationship, she was determined to make her own assets till Vijay would marry her. And Vijay was studying to be a doctor as well as working to pay for a small apartment he would buy for the two of them. 

I know she is young and in time, this grief too shall pass, but I am just wondering how unnecessary some of our societal restrictions are. Just because the guy was not the same caste as Sharmila, her parents disapproved.She has no social ‘standing’ as a fiancee or wife  and therefore cannot go and see the face of the guy she loves - one last time. 

Why do we put such strictures anyways? Why have such a list of dos and don’ts? Sure, some of it is to protect our kids, but more and more I realise that these long lists are because of insecurities. We ‘possess’  because of insecurities, families fight over money and family over insecurities, people conform to societal standards because of fear of being ex-communicated and we learn to swallow our needs and desires for ‘society’, represented largely by our own family. 

If the only constant of life is death, and that is the only certainty and unpredictability too, then why do we fight, connive, bitch and make life miserable? Would it not be easier to simplify life, and just enjoy the moment. Does loving not mean enjoying people you love, letting them live life to their potential, and allowing them to be themselves?

I know, at the end of my life, I want to have no regrets. I want to live life in all its glory - Queen sized - the pain, the love, the successes , the failures, the happiness- the sheer joy of living. And I want to blame no one for anything in my life. That does not mean I want to bring pain to any of my loved ones - just that I want to have the freedom to be me. That’s the value system I want for my kids  - an ability to accept consequences for their actions and truly experience life! 

As Maya Angelou says  -Life loves the Liver of it! 

Books as Friends

Books are pretty much like friends. And some special books have  a meaning and purpose in my life. 

Some books like Cutting for Stone and The Sense of an Ending, are friends with whom  I want to spend as much time as I can. Each page , like each conversation is a delight. And I am suspended in that make believe world. As the pages near the end, I begin to feel the anxiety that this will end soon. That I am losing my grip on this special world and it will soon be over. I am not too sure how I want to end it - drag each page and let it fill my senses, or chase the pages fast so I know how the book ends. And when I finish the book, I hold it in my hands and mull over it. I go back to pages that enamoured me and re-read them again.I re-imagine the scenarios in my mind and wonder how else it could have turned out. That is pretty much how it plays out with special friends. Much later, I think of the time we have spent together, re-live conversations and their deeper, hidden meanings and long for the next time we shall meet again.

Some like The World According to Garp and A Hundred Years of Solitude are like friendships I renew again and again. Every year, I pull out these two books and read them thoroughly. And each time, I find  new meaning in them and I spend time relishing each page. Much like those friends that I seldom meet, but each meeting reminds me why I love them so, and I learn something new about them again. 

How I Saved My Life is like a friend who turns up at the opportune moment to be an Angel in my life. And provides me with support that I desperately need at that time. Like the Angel friend, the book may seem shallow , but sift the wheat from the chaff - and the diamond sparkles!  And this book, (and my Angels) pop up uncannily, again and again !!

Some friends are like Fifty Shades of Grey. I picked up the book with great excitement, because it was on the best seller list. And then did not want the book in my house lest my kids picked it up out of curiosity. My ‘Grey’ friends are the ones I thought were mine, but turned out to be something quite different - and were worthy only when they exited my life and took their negativity with them.

Then there are books like the one on Steve Jobs. They sit on my bookshelf, mildly attracting attention - much like friends who are non intrusive, and ones I don’t give the time of the day. I know, the books, like my friends,are interesting and will add value to my life, but it is not time for them for a bigger role in my life - yet. 

Accidental delights like India After Gandhi are like unexpected friends - I approached them with no expectations. And they have brought me immense joy and happiness - and I never want to let go of them. 

And some friendships are like Twice Born that offer no atonement and no closure. They are the source of constant anguish and pain , of a world and innocence lost, and one from which there is no escape. Yet, their beauty is unsurpassed and the experience incomparable. 

And ofcourse I have learnt - Never judge a book by its cover, and never judge a friend at all! 

How Worthy Am I?

AK Hangal, the veteran actor died at 98 in Mumbai yesterday. A ripe old age and a life well led I suppose. But the news reports in the papers today were dismal and angered me terribly.

So what if Bollywood bigwigs did not make it to the funeral. How does that, in any manner, reflect the worth of the man? Would he have been worthier if AB, SRK, AK and all the glam dolls attended the funeral dressed in white, looking suitably glamourous and sad for the press?

I don’t get it. AK Hangal clearly had a family - I am sure he was well loved. He must have had a bunch of friends who are middle class anonymous like us. He must have had well-wishers who are not news-worthy. All these people must have been there - around him in life and in death.

What does truly define the worth of a human being? For me, it is love of my family - my parents, my husband, my siblings and my kids. It is the love of my extended family that cares deeply about me. It is the affection of my friends who are there for me at anytime. It is my well-wishers who have supported me at work and elsewhere. 

Like most of us ( I am certain), I spent a large part of my energy trying to be worthy in the eyes of people whose approval  I craved - it might have been the IT gang in my schools, or the arrogant girl who everyone wanted to be friends with in college. It was the teacher who  did not know my existence in MBA coz I was so poor in the subject. It was the hot guy I wanted to date or the boss who hated me and made my life miserable. The ‘worthiness‘ may have been reflected in the kind of clothes I wore, the cars I was driven around in, the houses and assets we own and everything else that bespoke a certain social standing. 

It took me a number of years and many experiences to arrive at the status of FUCK YOU. And to stop being bothered by unworthy people. And for me to realise that I was really seeking something that I did not want or need.  That my parameters for self worth and self esteem were with me all the while that I had looked for them elsewhere. 

So today, if someone does not want to give me a job - its their loss, if someone does not want my friendship - its their loss and if someone does not value me - it is their loss.

And these are people I definitely do not want at my funeral. I am not famous and I will not merit the presence of media at my death. But I would consider my life well spent if all my loved ones are there on that day. I would like to die-not so old, so all my cherished ones will attend my memorial service. And it will be a memorial service to remember - In a bar, with lots of food, drinks and cheap Bollywood songs!! 

And I will raise a toast with the Almighty!! 

Girl Friends

I have been trying to analyse the movie ‘Cocktail’ and why it did not leave me with a happy feeling. And here is why...

How could the Diana Penty character betray her best friend? The guy shifting his emotions - I can understand, but a girl friend doing that to her best friend??That does not gel with me. 

Maybe coz in my small universe we don’t do that - my girlfriends and I. We share confidences - the kind men can never understand! From husbands to boyfriends, to bosses ,in-laws and kids, from sex to fantasies and dreams,  clothes to food ,diets to illnesses  - we discuss it all. My girl friends know my mood instinctively...as I know theirs - from their fb and bb updates, to the timing of the call or the need to go out for a coffee or drink!

We fight, we have misunderstandings and we may not meet for years. But we pick up conversation from where we left it and quickly update each other about everything. 

And we don’t eye each other’s husbands, boyfriends or significant others. That is taboo. We fight all we can, but would never dream of sharing those confidences with our partners or other male friends. And we don’t choose male friends over our female friends.

 I have close male pals , but my girl friends are what keep me ticking and going.I know they will never ever betray me and I can truly be myself with them. Yes, there is judging, bitching and  giving gyaan - but it done with the utter confidence that none of us will be betrayed. 

And I feel blessed - that I have atleast as many close girl pals as my fingers!! And I definitely don’t want a Diana Penty character in my life. 

30s and 40s

Watched ‘Turning 30’ and it reminded me of  the time I turned 30. I thought it was the end of my life. I had popped two babies, my career was kaput , I was plump and oh so fatigued!! 

 In the 20s , you taste independence - you get educated, get a job and really begin to have fun. There is excitement  in sussing out potential boyfriends and husbands . There is heartbreak , but one is young and easily distracted. The thrill of earning your own money is tremendous and there is the enthusiasm and bubbliness of youth- you really feel you can change the world. 

30s are possibly the toughest years for a woman.Trying to manage kids, career and the sweet Indian husband. Life goes topsy turvy. There is guilt - guilt if you leave the career and stay at home to take care of kids. Guilt if you don’t.. Ofcourse, there is happiness, and joy, and pride and pleasure. Watching your kids grow up is pure bliss. Tracking the husband’s career and watching him succeed also brings a smile to your face. But there is also remorse - that you worked so hard only to give it all up. That your life is not really your own. That you have lost yourself in the stress of everyday life. 

And then the 40s happen. 

And at 43, I can safely say - these are the best years of my life. My kids are fairly grown up and while the set of issues are different now -  raging hormones, academics and their futures, I am pretty proud that I have brought up secure, happy , good individuals. The physical demands on me are less - I don’t have to chase them to feed them, bathe them , watch over them constantly. 

And there is something about the hormones at 40. A little devil-may-care attitude that creeps in . I don’t really give a damn what another person thinks of my life journey - it is mine alone. I feel I have earned my place by working hard and gained enough experience to be able to face the world head-on. I am not so easily bullied by the sully shopkeeper  or in awe of anyone with money or power . I have confidence enough to demand what I desire. I am less bound by the conventionality of a corporate career  - and can follow my dreams.

I am not that young any more to be checked out by men, and that brings with it the freedom to be me. If someone hits on me, it does not creep me out any more - the tackiness of it is amusing. I enjoy the companionship of my female friends and my bonds with them are deeper than ever before. At this age, all of us share similar life experiences - including the dreaded mid-life crisis! I love my male friends coz we are not objects of desire for each other any more. 

There is an urgency - that this decade is the one in which I have physical energy and mental alertness and therefore I have to achieve a lot. So I want to work a lot - doing all the things I ever wanted to do and I want to travel a lot- go to South America, Alaska and hike , walk and camp!I want to run the marathon !

And maybe, one day, when I am patient and not so restless, I will write a script for ‘Turning 40’...and make a movie of it! Or maybe it will be ‘Turning 50’ , if I am lazy enough! 

Free??

As Independence Day draws closer, I have been thinking of personal freedom and what it really means. 

Are we humans ever really free? Like tigers , we are not solitary animals. We need other people for our needs - for sustenance and nourishment - physical, emotional and intellectual. The fact that we stay in groups in the society means that we follow certain rules of engagement. And we follow a set of demands and expectations. 

As kids we were ‘free’ - free from the pressures of earning a living and from the demands of maintaining relationships. For that, we followed rules set down by our parents. There were boundaries defined - what marks were expected in academics, what friends were acceptable to parents, what time you had to be home from college or a party and what kind of marriage you were expected to make. Within these boundaries, there was room for rebellion , adventure and fun.

I don’t know about others, but I was in a terrible rush to grow up. I wanted to work, to earn my own money and I wanted to get married. I perceived all these as tools of independence - I would marry the one I loved, I would set up my own home, I could party , I could pursue my dreams and do the work I wanted. 

The very things I thought would get me freedom seem to bind me stronger today.Marriage for one - It is just not about Praneet and me any longer. Together we bear far too many responsibilities and the happiness and welfare of so many people is dependent on us. The burden is scary.

The love for my children. I like to think I made the choice to give up my career to enjoy my kids, but what freedom of choice did I really have? I could not get myself to leave those tiny hands that would clutch me and that little bundle who tugged at my heart. Even today,there are times I want to get away from it all and be with myself for a while-but there is no way I can disappear. There is still the house to be run , there are still the kids to be taken care of! 

I am beginning to realise that the relationships that provide us with the most are also the most binding. And perhaps that is the nature of love. To give and to receive . To expect and to demand. To take for granted and be taken for granted. To sacrifice and expect sacrifices. To give up some freedom and to take some away. 

Maybe it is worth - to lose freedom to love , not just commitment or obligation, because the benefits that accrue make us richer - in every sense of the word. 

Fringes of Celebrity Hood

So Aryan Khan is all set to leave the school and join Seven Oaks in London. 

I don’t know how many teenage hearts in school are breaking because of this , but I do know how many adult hearts are breaking. After all, how long will it be before Suhana Khan follows suit and there will be no more sightings of SRK? SRK’s star may be falling elsewhere, but in the hearts of the class parents, he will be a superstar- always!

It has been fun living on the fringes of celebrity hood and my earliest memory of the Khan family is when we took Nishna to her first day at school. There was an excited murmur when Gauri Khan walked in with Aryan and the excitement on the faces of my class parents was palpable when we realised that the kiddo was in our section! Every mother had visions of Aryan being buddies with her child!

SRK added glitter to our lives -Sports Days, Annual Days and PTMs were full of excitement because SRK would be there. And when he ran the Parents race at the Sports Day, I don’t think any of us gave our husbands a second glance - you understood why KJo made SRK run in every movie -he runs like a dream!

In true Mumbai spirit, there is a huge divide between the townies and us poor suburbanites. Townie mothers  hem and haw if there is any event beyond Worli, coz that is another city and so far!!

One day Nishna arrived with a card from school. It was Aryan’s birthday and was going to be celebrated at his Bandra home - on a weekday! I called on the number on the card and had a nice brief conversation with Gauri Khan. It went like this :

Me: Hi Gauri, Nishna will be there for the party.

GK: Thanks, you can drop her at 4.30 and fetch her at 7.30.

Me: Great. Is it ok if my maid accompanies her?

GK: Ofcourse, that is fine.

So that was that. 

And the fun had only just begun. Over the next few days, I received a barrage of calls from other mothers. Was I going for the party? How could I let my child go alone? They could not let their child go alone - he/she would not eat/ was too young to be left alone/the maid was on holiday! And on and on went the conversations! 

Then I guess they called Gauri  and the conversation ( I am guessing) was pretty much the same as mine. Very politely, they would have been told that their presence was not welcome and maids could come!

Anyway, to cut the long story short, the kids went alone/with maids to the party and there was a 100% class participation. Meanwhile a large bunch of mothers sipped coffee at Bandstand till the party was over!

There have been many subtle fights among parents who wanted Aryan to be best friends with their sons. Complaining about other kids and leaving Aryan out of the complaints, letting Aryan walk away with the medal when their own son had won the race, keeping other kids in the dark about sleepovers and parties and currying favour with GK has all been part of the class character!

As a girl’s Mom I feel shortchanged at this time. Aryan’s departure means that the girls’ mothers do not get to indulge in all this fun. It would have been great to see who Aryan crushed on , which girls vied for his attention, how we mothers would have egged on our daughters and which one of us girls’ mothers would have tried to be BFFs with GK! Ah! what an opportunity lost!