House hunting

I find house hunting tedious. Weekends get wasted as we trudge from one house to another , figuring what house suits our needs the best.I would much rather stay in bed for longer, have a cup of tea and laze around! Or be out in the fabulous weather walking and running. Or shopping! 

But there is vicarious pleasure in being a  peeping Tom . I get a ringside view of the way people live in their homes, what they favor, and the image they want to project of themselves.Some houses are oh-so elegant, and I get dizzy in those - no way can I match that level of hard work. Some are functional. Some impractical. Some look lived in, and some are not very neat. But none of the houses is impersonal. 

Scarsdale is famous for its excellent public schools. So once the children go to college,  most people sell their houses, and get ready to move out to Manhattan, or wherever they came from. I wonder how hard it must be to leave the house because it would hold so many happy memories for the family as the children grew up.  No longer will you see the kitchen counter where the children shared their day with you while you were cooking. Or the backyard, where the child fell off and hurt herself. And where the kids played soccer and basketball all evening.  Or where the wife surprised you with a big birthday party. All that will now reside in your heart and in your memories. Leaving all that must cause a bit of pain.

 I try to picture the family that lives in the house. What profession are the adults in? How long did they stay in this house? What are the children doing now? Did the house bring them happiness? What do they intend to do with all the stuff in the house?

The photographs in the houses are a pleasure to see. Marriage pictures of the bride and groom -  young, eager and happy,  beaming into the camera. Children at different ages in their lives. Places they have visited together. Pictures of close family and friends. Pictures of happiness, love and fun times. 

The kitchen tells me the food they eat. Some kitchens have loads of packaged foods. Refrigerators of others are filled with fresh produce. Some kitchens have fabulous cookbooks, and I wonder if they were ever used to create beautiful food at home, or if they are just for show. What food does the family eat? Cereal in the morning, or a hot brekkie of pancakes, eggs and bacon? Do they eat grilled stuff, and lots of veggies? Or is their diet predominantly non vegetarian. Do they drink coffee? Does the coffee machine use whole beans or the ground variety?The bars are stocked differently everywhere and I wonder what they drink and what they buy for their family and friends. What kind of meats do they barbeque?Do they have special family recipes?

As I go through the house, many questions come to my mind. 

A blanket on the sofa in the living room, and a depression on a particular seat - how do they watch TV? And who sits in that seat all the time? What TV programs do they watch? Does the whole family watch TV together.  Who puts the linen away so neatly?Who makes up the beds every morning? Who files away all the paper? Does an abundance of musical instruments and certificates reflect that the family is musically inclined? Sporty things all over - are they fitness oriented? Paintings and decorations from different countries - do they travel a lot? Perhaps in the diplomatic corps?  Big pots, pans and lots of crockery - do they entertain a lot? How do they entertain? What do they serve as food? What kind of cutlery and crockery do they use? 

The closets tell me the kind of clothes they prefer. And I wonder what precious clothes are stored in the cedar closet. How many pairs of sneakers does the husband own? Is he a runner? Or plays some game? Is the lady of the house working? Does she work full time? Does the couple party a lot? Are they brand driven, or do they prefer value? Is the couple well maintained? Or out of shape?

What appeals to me the most, and makes me promptly fall in love with the house is the library and/or the books that line the bookshelves. I browse shamelessly through the books. Who reads political stuff? Or the business books? That must be one indulgent mother who reads so many books to her young children, and sits with them as they color, solve puzzles and practice patterns. Who sits on the desk and works? Why is there a paper shredder in the study? Who sharpens all the pencils?Do they look out of the window and daydream as they work?  If I find my favorite books on the shelf, I take one down and open it to any random page...I believe it will give me a clue on if the house will be a happy one for me. 

There are two kinds of houses that depress me . 

One - of families breaking up. I wonder how bad and bitter things can get before the couple calls it quits, and lets go of the life they had created together. How fraught with pain that experience must be!

Two -the houses of old people, mostly single, because the spouse has passed on, and they stay alone in the big house. These houses have a similar smell - of medicines, and products that old people use. The kitchens are sparse, only with the basics that the person needs. The furniture is old, the carpets and upholstery old too.The photographs , certificates and medals reflect a time long gone by. To me it looks like life stopped happening in the house a long time ago. It upsets me. And makes me wonder on the inanity of our wants and desires. We acquire, and acquire - and yet, a day will come when we won’t need these things anymore, and when our prized possessions will hold no value for anyone else. 

And still - I hunt for the house that will beckon to me, and ask me to make it my own home.  And take me one step further in acquiring roots in Scarsdale - this place I call home now. 

Kim Jong-un- the new role model for Indian politicians

Dear Indian leaders,

My heart bleeds for you. You have been shortchanged. In India’s recent past, first came the Mughals who controlled the sun-continent and then the British. When India got ‘freedom’, Indians chose to become a democracy. And you lost you freedom. And your power. You are accountable to a billion people who could vote you out for the merest infarction.  Now, it is becoming impossible to control the mad Indian population. More and more Indians are getting educated, are questioning your actions, are doubting your good intentions and they are protesting too hard. In press, in the social media, in drawing rooms, on the streets. There is no fear anymore.

You need to re-examine your idols dear leaders.  Mahatma Gandhi, Ambedkar, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela are of an era long gone by. It is time for a change. 

Embrace North Korea’s Kim Jong-un and his deceased father Kim Jong-Il as your new idols. Now that is what a leader should be, and what a ‘democracy’ should be like. Absolute power. Life would rock for you...and your loved ones. 

There would be no reason to allow citizens silly freedoms like right to speech and right to information, and then have them criticise the government. No  reason to divide the populace along caste, community or economic lines because there would be no incremental benefit in voting preferences . No need to pretend that you need to travel abroad to learn about Beijing’s infrastructure, or US’s medical system or Africa’s handling of poachers - all  valuable lessons that will help you serve India and its people better. No need to explain your actions and how patriotic you really are. 

Imagine the ease with which our huge elections could be conducted. Instead of the mela and tamasha of the Indian elections, there would be songs made only for the leader of the nation. No need to pay money or bribe voters with gadgets, liquor and food to vote for a particular party or candidate . As in North Korea, the ballot paper would have only one name. People will either say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to the candidature. Saying no could lead to the ‘disappearance’ of the citizen . Look at the  benefits though - -there would be almost a 100% turnout, and you  would be able to assess who had not voted, were not patriotic, and if they were still living or dead. No need for an expensive population census that is done every decade. Better still, Arnab Goswami would not be raving on TV saying ‘India demands answers.’ India would be you!  You will decide the questions, the answers. And would shine. 

Finally Indian people will leave you alone and let you enjoy the fruits of your hard work.  Like Kim Jong-Il, you would be able to use all the government machinery and money to get the freshest fish from Tokyo, the best meats from Argentina, tulips from Holland , perfumes from Paris,caviar from Iran or original scotch from Scotland . You won’t  have to answer to petitions on your  sources of money.You can build a bullet proof swimming pool in your mansion, have parties with beautiful Indian girls as sex-slaves and buy everything your family desires. Now that is life!

Dear politician, with Kim Jong-un as your idol, you would not have to suffer criticism from ordinary Indian citizens. Just send them off to communal labour farms with their whole families , or to re-education camps for them to ‘learn’ what greatness you bring to the nation .If they protest too much, send them off to kwan-li-so gulags from where no one ever returns. 

Oh wise Indian leaders, Indian citizens are self-centred and their constant demands for roti-kapda-makan are oh-so-boring. They don’t credit you with intelligence, and ability. It is time to show them what you truly are. Like Jong-un’s father Kim Jong Il. He ‘retired’ from golf because the first time he played it on his 62nd birthday, he demolished a par 72 course in just 34 strokes, managing a five holes-in-one on the way. He wrote six operas, the best in the world, in two years. He invented the hamburger in North Korea. You have similar feats but right now, all that Indians focus  on is you using the pepper spray in the Parliament. 

You will be able to control weather like Kim Jong-Il and relieve India of its perennial problems of drought and famine. Unemployment will become a thing of the past, because you can send Indians (no questions asked) to Siberia in exchange for precious foreign exchange. 

And dear leaders, your children will finally get recognition for being the superstars they are. Right now citizens think that your children enter politics because ‘baap ki dukan hai’, and don’t appreciate how well qualified they really are.Maybe like Kim Sung-Il, they also wrote 1500 books in the university (instead of burning them), and chastised their teachers in school for incorrect interpretations of history. Or like Kim Jong-un, they play basketball/cricket/soccer better than the pros. At the young age of three, they must also have performed amazing feats like driving cars and shooting guns! And indeed like the porky Kim Jong-un, your son is the ‘sexiest’ man alive. 

Statues, portraits and frescoes of you will dot the country and your handsomeness will be there for all to see. Who will then care about chronic food shortages, famines and aid required? Just a glimpse of you will convert air into food and fill the stomachs of people. Anyways, it will be good for Indians to subsist on less food - you would have cured Indians of obesity and reduced the occurrence of  diabetes and  other lifestyle diseases. That is big social service. 

Forgiveness is over-rated. Why should you let your enemies live? Especially confidants who betray your confidence and defect to the party that gives them more money?You can get rid of them by making them ‘disappear’. Have your ex-girl friend executed  by a firing squad, feed your uncle to hungry dogs, kill off entire families of people who dare to dissent - the possibilities are endless.Remove traces of them having ever lived  by digitally removing them from pictures and movies. 

And dear leaders, don’t get scared of stupid concepts like Karma. Always remember what George Orwell said in 1984. 

“He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.” 

No one will remember any version of history, except the one that you choose to write.

Think about it. North Korea is the way to go!!

What's In A Name?

The lady at the visa counter for The Czeck Republic was quite chatty as she processed my papers. When she was done, she remarked, “You know , you are one of the few Indian women I know who has taken her husband’s surname.’ I smiled at her and said,‘Well, he is a great guy, so I don’t mind at all’.

Call it cheap thrills, but I felt immensely happy for my Indian sisters. Perhaps it is a sign of independence of some sort that they can retain their maiden names in a terribly feudal society. 

Granted the Czeck lady  has limited exposure to Indian women. Granted also that my Indian world is also not the largest, but her comment set me thinking. I mentally drew up a quicklist of women  I know - from my family,  school, college, MBA, work and friends. And realised that she was right. Nearly 80% of all women I know have retained their maiden names after marriage. Some have only their original names  while others have changed their names to insert the maiden surname before the husband’s. 

When I got married, I was firm that I would not change my name. Being Preeti Bakshi meant the world to me and defined my identity. I reasoned that I was not some uneducated girl being palmed off to a guy. I would not be financially dependent on him and so had a right to my own choices.  No one asked the guy to make these changes, so why should I have to do it? After all, I had been brought up as more than an equal in my maternal home! So what was good for the goose, was good for the gander! 

It did not matter to Praneet at all. He simply didn’t care about this. 

I toyed with what I wanted to be known as. Option 1 - Preeti Bakshi, in which case, I did not need to change my bank accounts, my passport, my signature or anything. I only needed a legal document that would state that I was now married. Option 2 - Preeti Bakshi Singh. This did not have an elegant ring to it. After all, traditionally Singh should come before Bakshi. But Preeti Singh Bakshi did not sound right either. 

In the end, a simple matter helped me make the choice. I was traveling a fair bit on work post marriage, and every time Praneet called me at the hotel, the operator would connect him to my room and say,’Mr Bakshi is calling’. For some inexplicable reason, that made me feel really bad. The next time we had to sign some legal documents, I simply signed as Preeti Singh. 

Eighteen years into my marriage, I realise it was really no big deal at all. Marriage is so much more than a name change. You change in myriad different ways, and through love, affection, fights, misunderstandings and sheer hard work, you become family with the person you married. 

As Preeti Bakshi, the  daughter of fairly liberal, yet conventional parents, I got the support to extend myself out into the world. I was the star in my family - the first to do a MBA and get a job , and every thing I did was always celebrated in the proud, extended family. At work, and in my relationships, I was brash, downright honest and outspoken. And much pampered and loved.

 If anything, being Preeti Singh has expanded my world view. I learnt to be a mother, a wife. I learnt to put my family before my own needs, and I learnt to manage extended family relationships. I learnt financial dependency on my husband, because I was fortunate enough to be able to take a break to bring up our children. I cruised along a different , more diverse career that does not pay me much, but is immensely fulfilling. I never view any of this as a sacrifice, compromise or an adjustment. To me, all of this is an investment - into the kind of life I want for my family and me. 

In all this, I did not lose myself. When I meet people who knew me as Preeti Bakshi, the comment I hear most often is,‘You have not changed at all’.  I could take the credit - praise myself for my feminist streak and claim that I would not be chained by anyone. The truth is different - I am the same because of my husband . He is a spiffy smart, intelligent human being who is secure enough  to not have imposed himself on me. He loves me just the way I am - with all my imperfections.

I am really proud of all my friends, colleagues and cousins who retain their maiden names. They all rock. They are not hard core feminists, but incredible wives ,mothers and friends, and all of them are successful at whatever they have chosen to do. And some of their stories regarding the various mix-ups of the surnames are hilarious (and material for another blog).  

For me though Preeti Singh has a beautiful ring to it. It speaks to me of a much loved mother and wife ( and daughter and sister!) . It tells me about a woman fortunate enough to have great friends who have her back. Of a woman blessed enough to have all her dreams come true. 

I wouldn’t change it for anything!