What's In A Name?

The lady at the visa counter for The Czeck Republic was quite chatty as she processed my papers. When she was done, she remarked, “You know , you are one of the few Indian women I know who has taken her husband’s surname.’ I smiled at her and said,‘Well, he is a great guy, so I don’t mind at all’.

Call it cheap thrills, but I felt immensely happy for my Indian sisters. Perhaps it is a sign of independence of some sort that they can retain their maiden names in a terribly feudal society. 

Granted the Czeck lady  has limited exposure to Indian women. Granted also that my Indian world is also not the largest, but her comment set me thinking. I mentally drew up a quicklist of women  I know - from my family,  school, college, MBA, work and friends. And realised that she was right. Nearly 80% of all women I know have retained their maiden names after marriage. Some have only their original names  while others have changed their names to insert the maiden surname before the husband’s. 

When I got married, I was firm that I would not change my name. Being Preeti Bakshi meant the world to me and defined my identity. I reasoned that I was not some uneducated girl being palmed off to a guy. I would not be financially dependent on him and so had a right to my own choices.  No one asked the guy to make these changes, so why should I have to do it? After all, I had been brought up as more than an equal in my maternal home! So what was good for the goose, was good for the gander! 

It did not matter to Praneet at all. He simply didn’t care about this. 

I toyed with what I wanted to be known as. Option 1 - Preeti Bakshi, in which case, I did not need to change my bank accounts, my passport, my signature or anything. I only needed a legal document that would state that I was now married. Option 2 - Preeti Bakshi Singh. This did not have an elegant ring to it. After all, traditionally Singh should come before Bakshi. But Preeti Singh Bakshi did not sound right either. 

In the end, a simple matter helped me make the choice. I was traveling a fair bit on work post marriage, and every time Praneet called me at the hotel, the operator would connect him to my room and say,’Mr Bakshi is calling’. For some inexplicable reason, that made me feel really bad. The next time we had to sign some legal documents, I simply signed as Preeti Singh. 

Eighteen years into my marriage, I realise it was really no big deal at all. Marriage is so much more than a name change. You change in myriad different ways, and through love, affection, fights, misunderstandings and sheer hard work, you become family with the person you married. 

As Preeti Bakshi, the  daughter of fairly liberal, yet conventional parents, I got the support to extend myself out into the world. I was the star in my family - the first to do a MBA and get a job , and every thing I did was always celebrated in the proud, extended family. At work, and in my relationships, I was brash, downright honest and outspoken. And much pampered and loved.

 If anything, being Preeti Singh has expanded my world view. I learnt to be a mother, a wife. I learnt to put my family before my own needs, and I learnt to manage extended family relationships. I learnt financial dependency on my husband, because I was fortunate enough to be able to take a break to bring up our children. I cruised along a different , more diverse career that does not pay me much, but is immensely fulfilling. I never view any of this as a sacrifice, compromise or an adjustment. To me, all of this is an investment - into the kind of life I want for my family and me. 

In all this, I did not lose myself. When I meet people who knew me as Preeti Bakshi, the comment I hear most often is,‘You have not changed at all’.  I could take the credit - praise myself for my feminist streak and claim that I would not be chained by anyone. The truth is different - I am the same because of my husband . He is a spiffy smart, intelligent human being who is secure enough  to not have imposed himself on me. He loves me just the way I am - with all my imperfections.

I am really proud of all my friends, colleagues and cousins who retain their maiden names. They all rock. They are not hard core feminists, but incredible wives ,mothers and friends, and all of them are successful at whatever they have chosen to do. And some of their stories regarding the various mix-ups of the surnames are hilarious (and material for another blog).  

For me though Preeti Singh has a beautiful ring to it. It speaks to me of a much loved mother and wife ( and daughter and sister!) . It tells me about a woman fortunate enough to have great friends who have her back. Of a woman blessed enough to have all her dreams come true. 

I wouldn’t change it for anything!