Dear Indian leaders,
My heart bleeds for you. You have been shortchanged. In India’s recent past, first came the Mughals who controlled the sun-continent and then the British. When India got ‘freedom’, Indians chose to become a democracy. And you lost you freedom. And your power. You are accountable to a billion people who could vote you out for the merest infarction. Now, it is becoming impossible to control the mad Indian population. More and more Indians are getting educated, are questioning your actions, are doubting your good intentions and they are protesting too hard. In press, in the social media, in drawing rooms, on the streets. There is no fear anymore.
You need to re-examine your idols dear leaders. Mahatma Gandhi, Ambedkar, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela are of an era long gone by. It is time for a change.
Embrace North Korea’s Kim Jong-un and his deceased father Kim Jong-Il as your new idols. Now that is what a leader should be, and what a ‘democracy’ should be like. Absolute power. Life would rock for you...and your loved ones.
There would be no reason to allow citizens silly freedoms like right to speech and right to information, and then have them criticise the government. No reason to divide the populace along caste, community or economic lines because there would be no incremental benefit in voting preferences . No need to pretend that you need to travel abroad to learn about Beijing’s infrastructure, or US’s medical system or Africa’s handling of poachers - all valuable lessons that will help you serve India and its people better. No need to explain your actions and how patriotic you really are.
Imagine the ease with which our huge elections could be conducted. Instead of the mela and tamasha of the Indian elections, there would be songs made only for the leader of the nation. No need to pay money or bribe voters with gadgets, liquor and food to vote for a particular party or candidate . As in North Korea, the ballot paper would have only one name. People will either say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to the candidature. Saying no could lead to the ‘disappearance’ of the citizen . Look at the benefits though - -there would be almost a 100% turnout, and you would be able to assess who had not voted, were not patriotic, and if they were still living or dead. No need for an expensive population census that is done every decade. Better still, Arnab Goswami would not be raving on TV saying ‘India demands answers.’ India would be you! You will decide the questions, the answers. And would shine.
Finally Indian people will leave you alone and let you enjoy the fruits of your hard work. Like Kim Jong-Il, you would be able to use all the government machinery and money to get the freshest fish from Tokyo, the best meats from Argentina, tulips from Holland , perfumes from Paris,caviar from Iran or original scotch from Scotland . You won’t have to answer to petitions on your sources of money.You can build a bullet proof swimming pool in your mansion, have parties with beautiful Indian girls as sex-slaves and buy everything your family desires. Now that is life!
Dear politician, with Kim Jong-un as your idol, you would not have to suffer criticism from ordinary Indian citizens. Just send them off to communal labour farms with their whole families , or to re-education camps for them to ‘learn’ what greatness you bring to the nation .If they protest too much, send them off to kwan-li-so gulags from where no one ever returns.
Oh wise Indian leaders, Indian citizens are self-centred and their constant demands for roti-kapda-makan are oh-so-boring. They don’t credit you with intelligence, and ability. It is time to show them what you truly are. Like Jong-un’s father Kim Jong Il. He ‘retired’ from golf because the first time he played it on his 62nd birthday, he demolished a par 72 course in just 34 strokes, managing a five holes-in-one on the way. He wrote six operas, the best in the world, in two years. He invented the hamburger in North Korea. You have similar feats but right now, all that Indians focus on is you using the pepper spray in the Parliament.
You will be able to control weather like Kim Jong-Il and relieve India of its perennial problems of drought and famine. Unemployment will become a thing of the past, because you can send Indians (no questions asked) to Siberia in exchange for precious foreign exchange.
And dear leaders, your children will finally get recognition for being the superstars they are. Right now citizens think that your children enter politics because ‘baap ki dukan hai’, and don’t appreciate how well qualified they really are.Maybe like Kim Sung-Il, they also wrote 1500 books in the university (instead of burning them), and chastised their teachers in school for incorrect interpretations of history. Or like Kim Jong-un, they play basketball/cricket/soccer better than the pros. At the young age of three, they must also have performed amazing feats like driving cars and shooting guns! And indeed like the porky Kim Jong-un, your son is the ‘sexiest’ man alive.
Statues, portraits and frescoes of you will dot the country and your handsomeness will be there for all to see. Who will then care about chronic food shortages, famines and aid required? Just a glimpse of you will convert air into food and fill the stomachs of people. Anyways, it will be good for Indians to subsist on less food - you would have cured Indians of obesity and reduced the occurrence of diabetes and other lifestyle diseases. That is big social service.
Forgiveness is over-rated. Why should you let your enemies live? Especially confidants who betray your confidence and defect to the party that gives them more money?You can get rid of them by making them ‘disappear’. Have your ex-girl friend executed by a firing squad, feed your uncle to hungry dogs, kill off entire families of people who dare to dissent - the possibilities are endless.Remove traces of them having ever lived by digitally removing them from pictures and movies.
And dear leaders, don’t get scared of stupid concepts like Karma. Always remember what George Orwell said in 1984.
“He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.”
No one will remember any version of history, except the one that you choose to write.
Think about it. North Korea is the way to go!!
No comments:
Post a Comment