The Society of Unknown Friends; published in The Scarsdale Inquirer - Friday the 13th,2015

In my decade long stay in Mumbai I was privileged to be part of many groups - I had my college and MBA school buddies, work colleagues, school moms, gym buddies and book club members. I led an active social life, and for the past few years had not felt the need to actively seek new friends.

When I moved to Scarsdale, I knew no one and did not know how to begin to make friends. As a fresh off the boat expat to the country, I did not want to commit social faux pas by saying irrelevant or out-of-context things either. In India, if you asked me how I was  doing, I would take it quite literally. So I might say that I had a headache that was killing me, or that I went grocery shopping and the price of onions was appallingly high! I didn’t know much but I did know that I could definitely not do that here in the US - I should only say ‘Fine, Thanks, and you?’

I was alone, but not lonely because I was busy working on my novel. I attended the PTA  breakfast mornings, said hello to some mothers and exchanged a few numbers. And I was on the web quite often, checking details of things I was writing about, when one day on my Facebook page, I happened to notice ‘suggested groups around you’. This listed some groups in Westchester. There was a ‘Westchester Community’, ‘Eastchester Moms’ , a postal code group and a ‘Scarsdale Moms’ group. I sent a request to this last one to join the group.

They say all good things come by serendipity. I don’t remember what I expected from the group, because the ‘Scarsdale Moms’ group turned out to be so different from anything I had imagined it to be.

With more than 1600 members, all of them women, the status updates beat Angie’s List or any other. Members post requests for almost anything and others graciously share their information. New to Scarsdale, I figured the restaurants for romantic dinners, birthday parties, even good Mexican and Italian food. I got names of reliable plumbers, handymen, housekeepers, cleaners and airport drops. Where to go for the best massages, manicures , eyebrows, and hair color and what dentist to avoid because he has a bad case of halitosis? Was I paying the right price for a service like snow shoveling, SAT prep classes and personal training at a gym? What were the best places for students to learn driving and does a particular chiropractor live up to his reputation? I also picked up a recipe for broccolini, the names of people who deliver home cooked meals (including Indian food), even places of worship!

One thing leads to another, and an enterprising member of the Scarsdale Moms group started the ‘Gentle Scarsdale Satire’ - a group for easygoing individuals who aren't afraid to laugh at themselves and at Scarsdale. This group puts a smile on my face every morning. With incredible wit, members gently skewer things they see around them. Have residents been kidnapped by Martians because their Christmas lights still shine bright and what kind of masochistic behavior might you see at a high intensity gym class? Laugh-out-loud Scarsdale specific lyrics set to the tune of Beyonce’s ‘All the Single Ladies‘ , the town’s obsession with salads, parking in the town square, snow days, early dismissals, even potholes get honorary mentions here. As does the best loved voice in Scarsdale !!

Do I know any of the mothers on these groups? I know some names, but I have no idea who these women are! I don’t know if their children are friends with mine, if we are in the same yoga class, if I cut one of them off at the traffic light,  or if they might be seated next to me at the Salzburg Patisserie.

These groups make Scarsdale my home. Online groups are criticized for their impersonal, transient nature and their ephemeral quality. Yet when you move into an unfamiliar environment where the social dynamic is different from the one you are used to, such groups are lifesavers. In Mumbai I knew the lay of the land like only a local can know - which place has the best home delivery, what movie theatre has the best samosas and how to dress for someone’s funeral - these are not details one finds in tourist books or even folders that moving companies give you to help you settle into a new place. Gathering all that data involves months, nay years of painstaking experiences! In these FB groups, there is always someone who has done the research and I don’t have to spend a lifetime re-inventing the wheel.

Online groups are not places to bare your soul; I do not share anything personal on the groups, yet I get lots of comfort, laughs and happiness from their chatter. The Society of Unknown Friends is a great one to be part of and who knows, one day we might all meet up for drinks, and become ‘known’ friends!!