Can I let go?

Udai is out for almost four days on a compulsory school trip and I feel a part of my heart has walked out of my body and out of my front door.

The house seems so empty. There is no Udai in his room, playing cricket, listening to blaring music, watching tv or playing on his PSP and munching on food all the time. Nishna is not screaming because there is no Udai eavesdropping on her conversations with friends or chasing her with his Nerf gun. The desktop in my room is looking forlorn because Nishna does not want to facebook on it...where is the fun if there is no Udai to rag? Udai wants chicken at every meal and right now all of us are too desolate to care for it!

What is it about life? Having kids? Bringing them up...only to see them leave. And all this is gradual, yet when I look back it feels like only yesterday when Udai went to school. I remember being unable to move out of his classroom and looked down to see Udai clinging on to my legs...he did not want to be left alone.

I wish the kids would disturb me at night like they used to. Then I blasted them coz I am an insomniac and always found it difficult to go back to sleep after the disturbance.
I remember coming back from office to see both of them watching Teletubbies and eating chicken nuggets.

I have tracked their growth, yet am amazed at the speed at which both the kids have grown in the last two years. They are both taller than me and suddenly I am the family dwarf. They don’t want me to give them a bath, they eat on their own(ok - almost) , they study on their own, do their own homework and research and Cartoon Network and Disney have been replaced by VH1and Castle, White Collar and Friends.

They are embarrassed when I kiss and hug them in front of their friends and I have been given instructions to not scold them or act smart in front of their peer group. I can look into their facebook pages, but I cannot comment. If Nishna is going out with her friends, can I please not go to the same location and ‘stalk ‘ her?

And the very same kids who never went out for a night spend coz they wanted to sleep with us and who slept with my pillow when I was travelling, are today happy going off on school trips!
I know I have to let them go and I behave very brave about it.Truth be told, I have a hard time letting go of even redundant relationships. So how am I going to handle this? Have them grow up and leave my house. Of them creating their own lives and being independent.

But for now, when I close my eyes and snuggle close to them, in my mind vision, Nishna and Udai are my tiny toddlers. And I want to hold on...just that much longer.