This Ganpati

I am not a religious person and have often gotten into trouble with my devout Sikh parents, because I play the devil's advocate at everything. Most rituals associated with any religion make no sense to me. But this year the Ganpati festival has touched a chord in my life.

I find myself praying and asking for peace and calm.For strength to tide over what is turning out to be the worst possible year of my life. Is it mid-life crisis? Or some other insanity?

The year has been one of questioning. I have questioned every part of my life, every decision I ever took, every important relationship and anything and everything I stand for. It has been a time for going mad, driving people around me ballistic and killing myself with insane tears,insecurity and sorrow.

A year when a dumb illness debilitated my health and threw everything out of gear. Suddenly I cannot go out, eat, enjoy a drink or a tequila shot. When low resistance means that even training for a half marathon is becoming an uphill task.

It has been a time when well meaning advice has touched no chord and any kind of existential gyaan has galled me. The year when I realised that in your deepest thoughts, you are alone and without excuses.

I have bowed down to every Ganpati I have visited and prayed for sanity, for help. Knowing fully well that this is clutching at external straws. That an idol in front of me will not give me deliverance, but I will have to find it from some hidden internal reserves.

At this Ganpati however, I feel a certain sense of optimism. That the darkness I am chasing is beginning to lighten up. That good times and wisdom are within my reach now. That the obstacle of this phase is almost over .That I will look back on this year and feel grateful that I made it through - a happier, wiser and more content human being.

And that such a period will not visit me again - ever!