Some Relationship Fundas

After a long struggle, I finally lost a person that I never thought I could live without. And no, this person is not Praneet and not a romantic love interest either. But simply put, this was one of the longest, deepest and most meaningful relationships in my life. It was one I thought I could take for granted and one that provided me with companionship and stability through the years.

The loss crippled me and I am still grappling with letting go completely.But I learnt some valuable lessons from this .Whether I will learn to apply them and not make the same mistakes in other close relationships remains to be seen.

Mistake one: Ownership

You need to lose a person and go through the whole gamut of emotions of insecurity, anger, bitterness and recriminations to learn a key insight - that you never, ever own anyone - especially not in close relationships - be that a friend, relative or love interest. That actually there is no such thing as a truly ‘taken for granted’ relationship that will ever survive the test. You may stay on in a relationship for a myriad of reasons, but just love or concern is not enough.

And you realise that we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. And you don’t lose anyone coz you don’t own anyone anyways.

Mistake two - Expectations

A sure shot killer in any relationship. Why did I think the person had no right to develop and nurture any other close relationships? And what gave me the right to demand that my needs be met all the time ? Or that I was the only one who could dictate the terms in this relationship?

Fears of my own redundancy made me insecure and angry and in turn made me behave badly. And who did I hurt the most? Myself - coz I scraped a little bit of my dignity and self respect with every bitter call I made, every angry conversation I had and hurt my heart a little more with every rebuff I received - until my own self preservation instinct kicked into place.

And I learnt to cut cords of expectations and make no or fewer demands.

Mistake three - Criticism

We are harshest with the people we love the most. So am I . I am downright critical of stuff that my parents, kids, husband , siblings and close friends might do. That is pretty natural I guess - We criticize people we take for granted - actually we don’t ever realise that we are putting them down, stripping them of their self esteem and making them feel small.We criticize everything - choice of clothes, friends , books, education, profession, life partners ....Most of the times it is not done with the intention of hurting them but to make them realise what could be best for them. But it is hurtful and wears the person down - till the person rebels and lashes back.

Mistake four - Constancy

Change is the only constant - we forget that pretty often. Relationships change - they must. They may go forward or backward, become better or worse, become deeper or shallower but change is essential for any relationship. Relationships cannot exist in a limbo. In a romantic relationship it starts with a need and desire to be with the person all the time, an obsessiveness to share , to want the person but settles into a taking-for-granted behaviour in a while or leads to an awareness that you are different people and need to move on. In relationships with siblings, you go through emotions of jealousy (bec you are sharing parents), strife, constant bickering that lead to (if lucky) a deep bonding. With friends as well, you learn and grow together and either become closer or move away. And all of us go through changes in our closest relationships with our kids.

That change was inevitable and that the person would not want me or move away from my life was not something I had ever thought of. So I guess when the inevitable stared me in the face , I refused to acknowledge it for the longest time. Could this have turned out different if I had understood this relationship funda earlier? I will never know.

It will take me a while longer to let go completely and move on. To reach a state of detached attachment. To feel that all is well in my world and that ‘when someone leaves, it is because someone else is about to arrive’!

So I wait as the future unfurls its plan!